Kareem Shaker

Perhaps Chris Rock said it best in the 1996 HBO special, Bring The Pain.

"People want to get high. You can get rid of all the drugs in the world, people still going to get high," Rock said. "People will just think of new ways to get high. Guys will go down in the basement and become scientists like 'Yo check it out man, if you get a baby's bottle, right? Fill it up with some gasoline and dead lima beans, then suck it. You'll be fucked up!'"

Much to the dismay of law enforcement, drugs are still everywhere, but nifty capitalists have once again found another way to get high. Since around 2009, "herbal incense" packets have become popular and subsequently began popping up in gas stations all over the country, offering a synthetic, and more importantly, legal analog to the popular, naturally occurring active ingredient in marijuana, tetrahydrocannabinol (THC).

Naturally, we had to investigate. You know, for journalism.
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Last night, Democratic strategist Hilary Rosen went on TV and said that Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, who is a stay-at-home mother, had "never worked a day in her life."

And just like that, we've all been sucked back into the same discussion about motherhood we've been having since feminists started encouraging women to work outside the home. Politicians from both parties have denounced Rosen's comments and affirmed their own gratitude and awe of stay-at-home mothers nationwide. Today, First Lady Michelle Obama came out in support of mothers, which is absurd news to report in the first place; the notion that anyone would openly denounce mothers at large was, until last night, a ridiculous one.

Plenty of people across the country are outraged, and plenty of voices in the media are assuaging that anger with the same old platitudes we've heard a hundred times before: Moms are important. Being a mom is a full-time job. Being a mom is hard. Non-working moms deserve just as much respect as their employed husbands or partners. It's like Mother's Day came early this year.

Ordinarily, that would be a good thing. But in this case, it's totally missing the point.
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Cecilio Mayers

​There we were, standing on the red carpet at Lea and Roy Black's Annual Black Gala at the Fontainebleau, interviewing reality star after reality star in the hopes of getting some juicy scoop. Things were looking dismal; so far, every celebrity we talked to had only lovely, sober things to say. Bo-ring.

But then Burn Notice's Gabrielle Anwar and The Forge owner Shareef Malnik came walking up, and things got interesting.

As we talked, we couldn't help but notice that Anwar seemed to be hiding her left hand behind her beau. And when we asked to see it, we saw she was sporting some serious bling on her ring finger -- the one most people reserve for wedding bands.
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Wikipedia

​Queen Latifah -- entertainment mogul, young Oprah, and all-around bad mothereffer -- has long been a fan of Miami. She records her music at a studio in Doral, has an entire album produced by North Miami's own Cool & Dre, and has been here so many times for both business and pleasure that we can't help but thank her for stuffing the g-string of the topless dancer that is our city full of 10s, 20s, 50s, and 100s.

And it looks like our relationship with Dana Owens might just move up to the next level. Latifah may be moving her base of operations to Wynwood, according to Miami Today.
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Korean Resource Center CC Flickr

"What? What you say to me?"

Maybe it's that whole exiled-from-the-Motherland, terrorized-by-a-ruthless-dictator thing, but Cubans tend to be a little paranoid.

Of course, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not watching you.

And the fact that Michelle Obama, First Lady, Democrat, former WNBA power forward, closet lesbian, and professional beard, will be visiting South Florida and partnering with Goya Foods, begs the question: What is she really doing here?

We found it highly suspicious that Michelle's trekking all the way down to Tampa just to join Bob Unanue, president of Goya Foods, in promoting a healthy food initiative called My Plate, or Mi Plato. So suspicious, in fact, that as soon as we heard, conspiracy theories flew around our heads faster than wisps of The Donald's hair in a windstorm.

After the dust cleared (and by dust, we mean Cuban bread crumbs), we settled on the five most likely reasons that the First Dude Looks Like a Lady is really visiting South Florida. Feel free to share your own in the comments.

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​Miami Dolphins celebrity co-owner and Tom Berenger's co-star in The Substitute, Marc Anthony, is reportedly fighting for custody of his three-year-old twins.

According to US Weekly, the former Mr. Jennifer Lopez is incredibly bitter over that fact that J-Lo's 24-year-old backup dancer/boyfriend Casper Smart was photographed kicking it with Max and Emme over Thanksgiving weekend in Kauai.

The checkout-counter rag's source says Anthony "hit the roof" and is considering going "back on his word" regarding the ex-couple's custody agreement.

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New Theatre artistic director Ricky J. Martinez, managing director Eileen Suarez with Roxy theater arts director Charles A. Sothers,artistic director Jorgina Fernandez

​In early September, the New Theatre announced that it had been bought by Henry and Peter Torres of Astor Development and was slated for demolition. The 25-year-old theater company had inhabited the space on Laguna Street in Coral Gables for 10 years. More >>

1922 - 2011

​Family Circus creator Bil Keane just passed away at the age of 89. For over 41 years, his daily one-panel comic has set and upheld the standard for innocence and wholesome all-ages wisdom within our nation's funny pages. And while Circus is still in circulation, an era has ended nonetheless.

While some dailies try to keep up with pop culture (Zits), others with current events (Doonesbury), and still others with their own linear narratives (Baby Blues and most of your standard three-panelers), Family Circus subscribed to an almost Peanuts-like insularity exclusively dedicated to it's own particular rhythm, pace, logic, and frame of reference. Keane famously dropped the second "L" in his first name "to be distinctive" and then went on to cultivate one of the most distinct voices in comics.More >>

Mugshot

​When she's not "cleaning toilets, mopping floors, and emptying the trash bins" at the Los Angeles County coroner's office, Lindsay Lohan's running around naked inside a Beverley Hills mansion.

TMZ has confirmed that LiLo is posing for Playboy, tastefully spreading her legs for an upcoming issue of the venerable gentleman's magazine and reportedly pocketing around $1 million to show her bare, freckled frame. Much of that money, we assume, will be applied to her legal fees.

However for Lohan, a Playboy paycheck's an upgrade. For several years now, the former child actress has gone about drunkenly exposing herself around the globe, regrettably allowing the opportunistic paparazzi to profit from her countless nip slips and crotch shots.
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