Miami Heat, tonight you face the greatest and most ominous opponent you have ever encountered in your life. No challenge you've met has ever been more difficult. No enemy has ever been more powerful and no accomplishment, accolade, award, or title you've earned has ever been more important in achieving than overcoming the adversary that awaits you on the court esta noche.

Unfortunately, el pinguo you have to beat doesn't play for the Spurs. Otherwise half of Miami would be nursing tremendo hangover and buying a new set of casuelas right now from celebrating a Heat sweep of the Spurs on Saturday. No, el monstro that stands in your way is infinitely more dangerous, far more familiar and doesn't smell like moth-balls and prune farts on the off-season. His name is doubt, y el hijo de puta lives rent free in your coco, pipo.

See also:
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Lil Wayne

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305 Pride is not just another perfunctory saying any comemierda can go around claiming with no regard for what it stands for. It is something that is demonstrated through actions, not words. Whether you do things to help unite our community or publicly come to its defense when some comepinga tries to talk shit, a true Dade County pingu knows that no matter what, our home is sacred ground.

This week, Trick Daddy proved just how much of a 305 pingu he really is.

See also:
- Lil Wayne Scuffles With Trick Daddy, Tossed Out of Miami's King of Diamonds Strip Club
-Trick Daddy "Sent Lil Wayne Packing Like a Little Bitch," Says Miami Rapper
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Lil Wayne
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters

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Last week, I was bombarded with emails regarding a Facebook post I made wishing the gay community luck and expressing my hope that the Supreme Court delivers a favorable decision on their behalf. The majority of the emails were from fans of my work, gay and straight, just saying "thanks," but there were two that really caught my attention.

One was from a girl named "Nathalie" who wrote me a 2,000-word religious diatribe about how "marriage is a sacred union under god" and argued that "there's no point in getting married if you can't have babies." De pinga.

See also:
- Pepe Billete Says Chick-Fil-A VPLP
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Lil Wayne
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters

The other was from a guy with the email handle "PingaSuerta" that read, "Bro, I would have never thought you would be a supporter of that shit." At first I thought PingaSuerta was condemning me for publically showing my support for the gay community, but he concluded his email with "Dale," and that led me to believe he probably just didn't expect something like that to come from me and was actually giving me props. Bueno -- that's unless of course his name is actually focking "Dale," in which case el tipo es tremendo comepinga!

Nathalie's email prompted me to write this post, and PingaSuerta's email motivated me to actually take action and publicly do something way bigger and way more over-the-top than anything I have done to date (more about this later)

So...

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Pepe Billete has always been proud of his Miami hometown. From openly admiring the city's famous culo to delving into more serious political issues like the meaning of "Hispanic," Miami culture is more than just an influence in his comedy; it's the foundation of his work.

So it's no surprise that Billete has emerged as Dade's biggest defender, especially in the wake of certain dickish comments made toward the Miami Heat, followed by an even more dickish non-apology, by a certain confoundingly famous rapper. With a scathing open letter followed by a hilarious video to the sounds of Pitbull, everybody's favorite Cuban puppet helped turn the name Lil Wayne into a four-letter word all across South Florida.

But now, Billete's done defending -- it's time to celebrate our city. So rather than give Weezy any more attention, Tio Pepe's teaming up with another native Miami entertainer, Trick Daddy, to shift the focus to how effing sick it is to be from the 305, bro.

See also:
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Lil Wayne
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters

More »

Dear Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr.,

Acere, it looks like it's time for you to start re-evaluating your public image and the legacy you're going to leave behind for your kids to follow. Right now, as far as the human race goes, you're a step below una cucaracha con trensas. In the past five years alone, you've managed to turn every group from women to midgets against you, yet somehow you still haven't realized what's blatantly obvious to the rest of us: that you've become the architect of your own demise.

Normally I would have offered you a bit of pingu advice to help you realize the error of your ways, but since you've managed to insult my team, my city, and my people, I'm going to help you turn your slow descent into irrelevance into a plummet that's going to make the Red Bull Space Jump look like a ride at the Dade County Youth Fair.

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Anyone who knows me knows that my life revolves around three things: Miami, being a pingu and los focking Miami Heat! I've loved the Heat since the day Rory Sparrow sunk the franchise's basket in the Miami Arena against the LA Clippers over two decades ago.

Recently, there has been an Internet video craze going around called the "Harlem Shake." It hasn't yet reached the point of sapingeria yet and is much more pingu than planking because it involves la jodedera y el basilon to tremendo Trap-esque beat.

With the growing number of Harlem Shake videos popping up on YouTube, there has not been one done by the fans of a sports franchise that shows the loyalty and dedication they have to their team. I plan to change that this weekend!

See also:
- Pepe Billete's Guide to Celebrating Hugo Chavez's Death In the 305
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters
- Pepe Billete's Guide to the Best of Miami

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Earlier this week, we were fantasizing about the best Miami reality show concepts -- and of course Pepe Billete was on the list. The gruff-voiced puppet has charmed thousands of fans in South Florida with his spanglish observations and declarations of love for that Cuban culo. They follow him on Twitter, share his videos on YouTube, and read his columns here at Cultist -- so you know they'd tune in to watch P$ on the small screen.

Unless, of course, they're starring in the show themselves. Pepe's looking for locals to star alongside him in the series. Want in? We asked the man (er, puppet) himself about the show, when it's scheduled to air, and the best ways to get next to that tiny felted pimp.

See also:
- Pepe Billete's Guide to Celebrating Hugo Chavez's Death In the 305
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters
- Pepe Billete's Guide to the Best of Miami

More »

Photo by Stian Petter Roenning

Well, a new month is upon us, and you know what that means! A new set of food stamps to trade for cash en la bodeguita de la esquina, and we get to name January's sapingos of the month.

See also:
- Pepe Billete's Guide to the Best of Miami
- Pepe Billete's Guide to Celebrating Hugo Chavez's Death In the 305
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters
- Pepe Billete: Why Miami Sports Fans Don't Suck

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Photo by Stian Petter Roenning

Some of the most gratifying and rewarding perks of living in Miami are the rich community traditions that have evolved with the development of the city, like grandiose celebrations of different countries' national independence day, staying away from the beach on Memorial Day, or dressing like tremenda puta ratchetera on Halloween. Pero sin pena, I have to admit that my favorite of all Miami traditions is one that, sadly, is only thoroughly enjoyed by one segment of our population.

If you're Cuban, it has become almost a given that celebrations of everything from a protest to a government sponsored kidnapping to an NBA Championship celebration be held on the streets of Hialeah and Southwest Miami-Dade. More specifically, by Taco Bell in Hialeah and on Bird Road in front of La Carreta. This tradition is so deeply rooted in the Cuban community that even the unsubstantiated rumor of the death of el muy malparido de Fidel Castro prompted a Cuban celebration in 2007.

See also:
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters
- Pepe Billete's Guide to the Best of Miami

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And now, a video message from Miami's favorite Cuban puppet, Pepe Billete, regarding Wednesday's debate between presidential candidates President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney.

See also:
- Pepe Billete: Miami's Five Biggest Sapingos
- The full archive of Pepe Billete's columns

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