In 1992 I fell in love con una jevita named Donita. She was a beautiful gringita with purple hair and no culo, who liked to play guitar and sing about shit I had little understanding about mostly because, at the time, I only had ESOL Level 2. Here's a picture of me in '92 after playing a show with my band Este Huevo Quiere Sal at Churchill's in Little Haiti.
Donita went on to gain success as the lead singer of a band called L7, but one of the things I remember her saying to me during our short-lived relationship was "Papi, the masses are asses," to which I always replied, "Tranquila mami, esas nalguitas estan bastante buena como estan, que coño masa ni masa?" Needless to say, we broke up, as did my band, but my English got better, and a couple of years later L7 released a song with the title "The Masses Are Asses," and I had a catharsis. Turns out she wasn't self-conscious about not having un buen par de nalgas at all, but rather trying to teach me a little something about how she felt the media treats us all. Taking important issues and reducing them to simplistic blurbs to gain attention, sway opinion, and, at times, maliciously destroy reputations.
I was reminded of Donita this past Tuesday as I sipped on my morning coladita and read the front page of the Miami Herald, where one of the stories was on former Hialeah mayor Julio Robaina. The headline boldly read, "Secret Cash Was for Mistres." Under that, in bold text, it continued, "Feds: Former Hialeah Mayor Julio Robaina took cash payments to keep his wife from knowing he was spending it on mistress."More »
Photo by Stian Roenning Pepe Billete.
I've always hated the use of the word Latino in American mass media, because it's a blanket term that describes a myriad of different cultures. It promotes generalities and dilutes many different cultures into one big stereotype, in the minds of non-Latinos and to me. There is nothing I am more honored to describe myself as than a Cuban-American from the 305. However, I can honestly say I feel an equal sense of pride when we Latinos use the term among ourselves to show solidarity and support for one another.
I first felt that pride when I went to San Antonio last year to support the Heat in the finals, and my Mexican people not only welcomed me with open arms, but had my back when the AT&T Center banned me from Game 4 and we stood together yelling "¡Libertad!" in front of the arena -- until arena security let me into Game 5.
I went to San Antonio alone and expecting the worst after seeing reports of Heat fans getting attacked and almost killed for simply wearing Heat colors. Yet, there I was, dressed in Heat gear from eye to ass, standing with a big group of Mexican Spurs fans, who knew I was going in there to sit courtside and yell shit at their team, but who still fought for me until they let me into the game. When I asked one of them why they showed el tio so much love, the answer I got was as profoundly meaningful as it was simple, "You're a Latino, we're brothers." I will cherish that memory forever.More »
I'm writing to offer you a bit of the wisdom that was passed down to me by my Cuban abuelos, because after reading your comments in the interview you recently gave on the heels of your trip to Ecuador, I think it's the least I can do for you, short of actually flying to Ecuador y regalandote una buena pata por culo. It comes in the form of an old Spanish proverb that reads:
"Calladito, te ves más bonito."
Like most insightful things in life, the beauty of that statement lies in its simplicity. It's a lesson I was taught early in my life, but remains just as valid now as when I first heard it at 5 years old. It's also one that you seem to have been denied in your 20 years of life.More »
Miami Heat, tonight you face the greatest and most ominous opponent you have ever encountered in your life. No challenge you've met has ever been more difficult. No enemy has ever been more powerful and no accomplishment, accolade, award, or title you've earned has ever been more important in achieving than overcoming the adversary that awaits you on the court esta noche.
Unfortunately, el pinguo you have to beat doesn't play for the Spurs. Otherwise half of Miami would be nursing tremendo hangover and buying a new set of casuelas right now from celebrating a Heat sweep of the Spurs on Saturday. No, el monstro that stands in your way is infinitely more dangerous, far more familiar and doesn't smell like moth-balls and prune farts on the off-season. His name is doubt, y el hijo de puta lives rent free in your coco, pipo.More »
305 Pride is not just another perfunctory saying any comemierda can go around claiming with no regard for what it stands for. It is something that is demonstrated through actions, not words. Whether you do things to help unite our community or publicly come to its defense when some comepinga tries to talk shit, a true Dade County pingu knows that no matter what, our home is sacred ground.
This week, Trick Daddy proved just how much of a 305 pingu he really is.
- Lil Wayne Scuffles With Trick Daddy, Tossed Out of Miami's King of Diamonds Strip Club
-Trick Daddy "Sent Lil Wayne Packing Like a Little Bitch," Says Miami Rapper
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Lil Wayne
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters
Last week, I was bombarded with emails regarding a Facebook post I made wishing the gay community luck and expressing my hope that the Supreme Court delivers a favorable decision on their behalf. The majority of the emails were from fans of my work, gay and straight, just saying "thanks," but there were two that really caught my attention.
One was from a girl named "Nathalie" who wrote me a 2,000-word religious diatribe about how "marriage is a sacred union under god" and argued that "there's no point in getting married if you can't have babies." De pinga.
The other was from a guy with the email handle "PingaSuerta" that read, "Bro, I would have never thought you would be a supporter of that shit." At first I thought PingaSuerta was condemning me for publically showing my support for the gay community, but he concluded his email with "Dale," and that led me to believe he probably just didn't expect something like that to come from me and was actually giving me props. Bueno -- that's unless of course his name is actually focking "Dale," in which case el tipo es tremendo comepinga!
Nathalie's email prompted me to write this post, and PingaSuerta's email motivated me to actually take action and publicly do something way bigger and way more over-the-top than anything I have done to date (more about this later)
Pepe Billete has always been proud of his Miami hometown. From openly admiring the city's famous culo to delving into more serious political issues like the meaning of "Hispanic," Miami culture is more than just an influence in his comedy; it's the foundation of his work.
So it's no surprise that Billete has emerged as Dade's biggest defender, especially in the wake of certain dickish comments made toward the Miami Heat, followed by an even more dickish non-apology, by a certain confoundingly famous rapper. With a scathing open letter followed by a hilarious video to the sounds of Pitbull, everybody's favorite Cuban puppet helped turn the name Lil Wayne into a four-letter word all across South Florida.
But now, Billete's done defending -- it's time to celebrate our city. So rather than give Weezy any more attention, Tio Pepe's teaming up with another native Miami entertainer, Trick Daddy, to shift the focus to how effing sick it is to be from the 305, bro.More »
Acere, it looks like it's time for you to start re-evaluating your public image and the legacy you're going to leave behind for your kids to follow. Right now, as far as the human race goes, you're a step below una cucaracha con trensas. In the past five years alone, you've managed to turn every group from women to midgets against you, yet somehow you still haven't realized what's blatantly obvious to the rest of us: that you've become the architect of your own demise.
Normally I would have offered you a bit of pingu advice to help you realize the error of your ways, but since you've managed to insult my team, my city, and my people, I'm going to help you turn your slow descent into irrelevance into a plummet that's going to make the Red Bull Space Jump look like a ride at the Dade County Youth Fair.
Anyone who knows me knows that my life revolves around three things: Miami, being a pingu and los focking Miami Heat! I've loved the Heat since the day Rory Sparrow sunk the franchise's basket in the Miami Arena against the LA Clippers over two decades ago.
Recently, there has been an Internet video craze going around called the "Harlem Shake." It hasn't yet reached the point of sapingeria yet and is much more pingu than planking because it involves la jodedera y el basilon to tremendo Trap-esque beat.
With the growing number of Harlem Shake videos popping up on YouTube, there has not been one done by the fans of a sports franchise that shows the loyalty and dedication they have to their team. I plan to change that this weekend!More »