Miami's Five Biggest Sapingos: January Edition

Categories: Pepe Billete

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Photo by Stian Petter Roenning
Well, a new month is upon us, and you know what that means! A new set of food stamps to trade for cash en la bodeguita de la esquina, and we get to name January's sapingos of the month.

See also:
- Pepe Billete's Guide to the Best of Miami
- Pepe Billete's Guide to Celebrating Hugo Chavez's Death In the 305
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters
- Pepe Billete: Why Miami Sports Fans Don't Suck



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Pepe Billete's Guide to Celebrating Hugo Chavez's Death In the 305

Categories: Pepe Billete

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Photo by Stian Petter Roenning
Some of the most gratifying and rewarding perks of living in Miami are the rich community traditions that have evolved with the development of the city, like grandiose celebrations of different countries' national independence day, staying away from the beach on Memorial Day, or dressing like tremenda puta ratchetera on Halloween. Pero sin pena, I have to admit that my favorite of all Miami traditions is one that, sadly, is only thoroughly enjoyed by one segment of our population.

If you're Cuban, it has become almost a given that celebrations of everything from a protest to a government sponsored kidnapping to an NBA Championship celebration be held on the streets of Hialeah and Southwest Miami-Dade. More specifically, by Taco Bell in Hialeah and on Bird Road in front of La Carreta. This tradition is so deeply rooted in the Cuban community that even the unsubstantiated rumor of the death of el muy malparido de Fidel Castro prompted a Cuban celebration in 2007.

See also:
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters
- Pepe Billete's Guide to the Best of Miami

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Pepe Billete's Guide to the First Presidential Debate of 2012 (Video)

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And now, a video message from Miami's favorite Cuban puppet, Pepe Billete, regarding Wednesday's debate between presidential candidates President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney.

See also:
- Pepe Billete: Miami's Five Biggest Sapingos
- The full archive of Pepe Billete's columns

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Miami's Five Biggest Sapingos: September Edition

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Photo by Stian Petter Roenning
Last Sunday morning, estaba cojiendo tremenda nota en after hours y la nota me dio una idea to dedicate one of my weekly articles to naming the five biggest sapingos in Miami for each month.

See also:
- Pepe Billete's Guide to After Hours
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Micky Arison
- Pepe Billete's past columns

Bueno, ya no te doy mas muela. Aqui lo tienen.
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Pepe Billete's Beginner's Guide to After Hours In Miami

Categories: Pepe Billete
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Photo by Stian Petter Roenning
There are a million reasons to love Miami: the weather, the melange of culture, the Miami Heat. Pero ask anyone under the age of 80 what the most redeeming quality of our city is, and chances are that they'll mention at least one of the three P's: playa, puta o perico.

See Also:
- Full archive of Pepe Billete's columns


But three P's aren't the only thing that sets Miami apart from the rest of the country. One of the most unique and alluring characteristics of the 305 is situated in a small three-block section of downtown Miami known as the 24-hour district.

If you're a local and you've never even heard of the 24-hour district, it's probably because you're either on medicare or you're tremendo duck. The 24-hour district is known as the place you go when you want to party "after hours." It allows business with a liquor license to stay open well past the 5 a.m. curfew that's enforced throughout the rest of the city. La jodedera y la puteria del after hours begins on Friday night and runs continuously until Monday evening.
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Pepe Billete's Letter to Micky Arison: Send Stevey Pa'l Carajo

Categories: Pepe Billete
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Photo by Stian Petter Roenning
See the full archive of Pepe Billete's columns here.

Dear Micky Arison:

As owner of the Miami Heat, you've nurtured the evolution of a legacy that was humbly born in the late '80s, developed in the '90s, and unmistakably solidified in the new millennium. Your dedication to Miami sports revitalized a city desperate to escape the tentacles of irrelevance that had been choking away our pride and spirit. To die-hard South Florida sports fanatics like me, you, sir, are Beowulf.

But for all the glory you have brought our great city, one man has overshadowed your triumph with a shroud of anguish and torment. Time and again, he has plummeted us into an abyss of despair. This man is evil incarnate. El jodido diablo himself! He is a plague that has terrorized us with malice and ineptitude for too long, and the time has come for you, our champion, to rescue us from his despicable clutches.

The man I speak of is none other than el muy malparido de Stephen me cago en su madre Ross.

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Pepe Billete's Advice to the Class of 2016

Categories: Pepe Billete
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See the full archive of Pepe Billete's columns here.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote an open letter to Chad "OchoCinco" Johnson, welcoming him back to Miami and updating him on some things that have changed in the 305 since his departure to Langston, Oklahoma in 1997.  I was excited to write the piece because Chad is one of my favorite sports figures in recent history. I mean it -- he's a Miami native that was a beast at the height of his career and has tremenda personalidad. The fact that the Dolphins had added him to the roster revitalized in me an interest in the team that had been dwindling into oblivion. Then el muy singao le metio un cabezaso a la jeva, y me cago el articulo pa la pinga.

In lieu of this debacle, I decided to leave Chad alone. He has enough people telling him what to do. Instead, because FIU and UM officially begin classes next week, I'm offering my advice to the myriad of freshman who will be starting college for the first time this semester.

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Pepe Billete Says Chick-Fil-A VPLP

Categories: Pepe Billete
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See the full archive of Pepe Billete's columns here.

Last week I took a little break from the column to celebrate my birthday. The party was amazing and even managed to get the attention of NBC!

While it did take me a couple of days to recover, I had a plan to come back this week with an open letter to Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson, pero after all of this comemierderia with Chick-Fil-A going on in the news, I felt compelled to address it, given its relevancy to our local community. Sorry Chad, you're just going to have to wait till next week, pipo.

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Pepe Billete's Guide to Partying in Miami

Categories: Pepe Billete
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See the full archive of Pepe Billete's columns here.

Last weekend me and the guys at DeadFix.com were cojiendo tremenda perra nota at PeachFuzz, and we started talking about all the mistakes people make when they go out partying in Miami. The conversation was so interesting, that I decided to make it the topic of this week's column.

So aqui lo tienen: The Do's and Don'ts of Miami Nightlife.

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Pepe Billete: I'm Not a Latino, I'm Not a Hispanic, I'm a Cuban American! (Part Dos)

Categories: Pepe Billete
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See Pepe Billete: "I'm Not a Latino, I'm Not a Hispanic, I'm a Cuban American!"

Last week I managed to upset a pretty big segment of Miami's non-Cuban Spanish speaking population when I asserted that referring to all Spanish-speaking people as "Hispanic" or "Latino" is xenophobic and just plain wrong. You don't have to look much further than the comments section of that article to see que las mandadas pa la pinga llovieron. It seems like I touched on a pretty sensitive nerve.

The article received thousands of views within hours, and even managed to get the attention of a couple national media outlets. I still stand by that article 100 percent, and this week I want conclude my end of the discussion with a few points I intentionally left out for the sake of brevity.

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