via Awkward Prom Couples

Some dates deserve more than the standard dinner and a movie.

Look up the word awkward in the dictionary, and next to it you'll find a photo of a couple frozen in the throes of a first date. From the bailout phone call to the bungling lean in, it's hard to imagine anything but weirdness in those first few hours alone with a prospective partner.

Luckily, there are lots of ways to get to know someone, and sometimes, a little discomfort isn't the worst way to ferret out personality traits in a potential mate. After all, you need to know how they react under pressure, if they have a fear of loud noises, and if they're gonna stick around when things get gross. As Wayne Campbell once said, "If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be."

Luckily, you're in the wacky wonderland that is Miami, surrounded by ways to get a little weird, wild, or just plain silly on a first date. So forget boring coffee meet-ups or dinner-and-a-movie dates, and try a little creativity. We'll get you started.
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Special reporter Skrawberry on the scene.

"I've been abused and molested all day ... and I think I like it."

That's how King of Diamonds stripper and Cultist advice columnist Skrawberry summed up her experience at Exxxotica this weekend. We sent her to see what she could see at the biggest sex convention in the U.S. -- and she went above and beyond, trying out vibrating gloves, riding a penis-shaped mechanical bull, and testing out more whips and chains than all of last month's Submission attendees combined.

Watch her do all that and more in the video after the jump, which is NSFW, duh.
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Seymore Butts (AKA Adam Glasser) is more than just a porn impresario.

He's a first amendment freedom fighter who caught a case for fisting on video, and his lawyers didn't give him a five finger discount.

He'll be in Miami for Exxxotica teaching seminars on better sex, signing autographs, taking pictures, and slapping booties.

We got him on the phone. Here's what he had to say about using his thumb, Cuban girls, and running for president.
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A rare safe-for-work image of Belladonna.

Exxxotica is just around the corner. If you're like us, you're in the process of meticulously plotting out your schedule, carefully making sure that you can see your favorite MILF stars while not missing your BDSM besties at the same time.

But with such a stacked lineup, even the most experienced porn aficionados are scratching their head trying to figure out who to visit. That's why we've culled the lineup to bring you the best performers to check out.

(This is a post about porn, featuring photos of porn stars and links about porn conventions. So yeah, NSFW.)
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Exxxotica

Ride 'em, cowgirls.

Exxxotica, the biggest sex convention in the country, is back in Miami this week. And if you've attended before, you know that this show can be full-blown, balls to the wall (or in your face) nutso. There's so much skin, so many toys, and sadly, so little time. The event runs just three days, so to get your maximum amount of freak on, you're going to have to go in with a game plan. One more detailed than "buy tickets, walk around, stare at boobies."

Luckily for you, we're here to point you in the right direction when it comes to understanding the ins and outs -- ahem -- of this sex bonanza. Here are the top 10 kinkiest things to do at Exxxotica. Use these suggestions wisely.
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Courtesy of Hannah Shapiro

Every time a woman masturbates, God kills a kitten. And London socialite Emma Sayle knows that the Earth is overrun with adorable, furry kitties, so she's created a selective playground for beaver-beaters.

"I organize orgies," said the British "sex-trepreneur" and mind behind Killing Kittens, a network of super-exclusive sexy parties and corresponding online nympho directory, all of which is focused on female pleasure.

And she's bringing her business (and, uh, pleasure) to Miami this summer.
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Dr. Sonjia, emitting reddish beams of sexual prowess.

Sex. Doin' it. Gettin' it on. The horizontal lambada. The naked bacon dance. Making love. Banging. Boning. Smashing. The baloney pony.

Whatever you wanna call it, at least 80% of the world's population is doing it, or thinking about doing it, right now.

Dr. Sonjia is too. The UM professor, AIDS research scientist, and sexual health professional's new book Sex In South Beach is launching Saturday night at the Catalina Hotel. There will be burlesque dancers, free drinks, free condoms, music, sensual aromas, and more sex talk than a Sex In The City marathon.

Here's what Dr. Sonjia had to say about vibrators, clits, and fun with sex. (And not like we needed to tell you, but some of this stuff is definitely NSFW.)
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via Flickr CarbonNYC

Tastes good, don't it, devil man?

Yeah, spring break! Let's lie in the sun all day, get wasted, and flash our tits!

Thousands of kids come to Miami in just that mindset every spring. But for some of us, the aforementioned display of exuberance is so 10 years ago. Not all college students are 18-year-olds fresh out of high school. With the United States economy in a downward spiral for the past decade or so, many of us have returned to school as adult or commuter students.

And for adult students, the usual spring break activities just don't cut it. We've been there, done that, and bought the penicillin. We've thrown up on dance floors and gobbled up Jell-O shots from sorority girls' belly buttons.

Still, spring fever is infectious at any age, and adult students have the right to party like it's 1999 (which, coincidentally, is when some of us graduated college the first time around). So what's an adult student to do? Why, engage in adult spring break fun, that's what! (And by "adult," we of course mean "naked.")

Read on for three types of nudist spring break vacations sure to please anyone who doesn't require a fake ID to purchase Jager-bombs.
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​So, Rick Scott has been promising us all a lot of jobs.

And then he wasn't. And then he was. Basically, he's been pretty wishy-washy about the whole situation, but he may have found his redemption in a new California law that will most likely send its massive porn industry packin' and look to set up shop somewhere else.

A new California health regulation, which went into effect Monday, requires porn stars - ahem, artists - to wear condoms while on location. No exceptions. The rule has sent something of a ruffle through the $8 billion business, which does about 90 percent of its production in the Golden State. The industry already has its sights set on relocation to a place that still knows how to express itself freely.

Why, when gold has lost its panache, look no further than the Sunshine State?
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The main virtual hall

​Most conventions are pants-mandatory kinds of affairs -- even those of the adult nature. For the world's first virtual porn convention, however, I'm not wearing any. (Relax -- I'm in my PJs.)

This past weekend, XBiz and Red Light Center hosted the Adult Entertainment Virtual Convention, porn's first online-exclusive gathering in a 3-D web environment called "Utherverse." If that all sounds a bit strange and complicated -- you don't even know the half of it.

Trying to explain the very nature of this whole thing requires more nerd references than I'm capable of conveying to a broad audience -- but here goes. Imagine if World of Warcraft wasn't all about wizards and war but instead sex and stimulation, and was designed by Neil Stephenson and William Gibson's bastard love child. Did I lose you? What if each porn website you visited was a little 3-D world and all of the people looking at it were in it with you, rubbing pixelated elbows (or crotches)? That's pretty much it. Only, the Utherverse isn't all porn, per se. Or maybe it is. We'll get to that.
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