Tan Mom has a music video. It features lyrics like "I'm hotter than Octomom" and "It's Tan Mom, bitch." There are tacky green screen effects, and two unfortunate male background dancers, and a cringeworthy section featuring some bukkake-style sunscreen application.

Don't watch it.

Seriously, I'm just putting this out there because it's my job. You can still save your sanity and your Monday morning by simply not clicking. Don't do it.

See also:
- The Ten Worst Moms in the History of Ever

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LeBron James is deep. LeBron James is wise. LeBron James is the multifaceted, ever diversifying, way sexier Buddha of professional basketball.

LeBron is not just an athlete. LeBron is not merely a man. He is many men in one body: a god-like sports star, yes, but also a child, an old man, a savvy businessman.

He is also the producer of The LeBrons, a cartoon about a family made up of all the LeBron Jameses inside LeBron James' head, created by LeBron James and starring LeBron James in one of the roles. Follow us into the light of LeBron, won't you?

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"What soulful sound is the band Dragon Sound" --Kermit

Why are there so many songs about rainbows? Who the hell cares? What Kermit the Frog really cares about these days is the art of filmmaking.

Why are there so many talks about movies
what's bad and then who's to decide?

Those are the opening lines to "Kermit loves Miami Connection," YouTube user Jonathan Matina's parody of "Rainbow Connection" in which the Muppet professes his love for the Y.K. Kim-produced festival of '80s nostalgia that hit theaters last year. Forget the lovers and the dreamers; in this video, Kermit's all about ninjas, rock stars, and cocaine.

See also:
- Miami Connection : The Best Florida Ninja Rock B-Movie Trailer You'll See All Day

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Where were you in 2005? ? Geeking out over Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith? Threatening to move to Canada after the second inauguration of George W. Bush? Saving up for tickets to the Destiny's Child world tour?

We're pretty sure we know what the guys of ElectroChronic were doing: Studying the videos of The Lonely Island obsessively. This morning, the duo of YouTube users Andrew Hales and VitalyzdTv released "We're So Fly." You could see it as a Miami homage to Lonely Island's first breakout hit, 2005's "Lazy Sunday."

Or you could see it as a well-shot but unfunny rehash of a tired joke -- white people rapping about white people stuff -- that's almost an entire decade too late. Watch and decide for yourself after the jump.

See also:
- Here's the Miami "Gangnam Style" Parody Nobody Asked For

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You should never give alcohol to an animal. While most of us humans have figured out how not to kill ourselves by overindulging in the pleasures of booze, animals don't know when to say when. Some say it's because they have smaller brain capacities; others believe it's simply because they don't have to get up for work the next morning.

In fact, the only acceptable place for mixing animals and alcohol is at Brew at the Zoo, Miami's largest beer festival, bringing together over 100 local, international, and craft breweries to Zoo Miami on Saturday, May 4. Tickets are on sale now, and they're likely to go fast, especially if you want that VIP status that comes with unlimited entry, catered food, and access to a special, exclusive tasting section.

Still, sometimes accidents happen. Sometimes animals accidentally get into the hooch. Sometimes it's caught on video, and sometimes it's damned hilarious. Check out these videos of sloshed cats, dogs, giraffes, and squirrels. And please, make sure that you (and your furry friends) drink responsibly.

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Courtesy of Dr. Len Lucero

If you're anything like us, baby pandas, huggable lions and sleepy puppies are pretty much the only thing that keep you from Gary Busey-style psychosis. Thank God for the Internet and its treasure trove of happy places. Its latest aww-inspiring specimen: Mr. Chris P. Bacon, pig on wheels.

At one-day-old, the Clermont, Florida, piglet was brought in to be euthanized due to a pair of non-functional hind legs. Luckily, veterinarian Dr. Len Lucero was wooed by Chris' epic cuteness. He fashioned a makeshift wheelchair out of K'nex toys, shot some video, and 902,000 views later, Chris P. is the cutest thing the world has ever seen.

Already, the Florida piglet has appeared on Anderson Live, the Today Show, even FOX News. He's earned legions of fans and put smiles on the faces of countless cube dwellers. To get the scoop from the snorty source, we asked Lucero what Mr. Bacon would have to say about his recent trips, his fave foods and people who eat pork. Naturally, he responded in the most adorable way possible: as Chris P. himself, complete with oinks.

See also:
- Video: Cute Puppy Outsmarts Miami Courthouse Security
- Is the Puppy Bowl Pro-Pit Bull? Animal Planet Packs Lineup With Adorable "Bullies"

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Earlier this week, we were fantasizing about the best Miami reality show concepts -- and of course Pepe Billete was on the list. The gruff-voiced puppet has charmed thousands of fans in South Florida with his spanglish observations and declarations of love for that Cuban culo. They follow him on Twitter, share his videos on YouTube, and read his columns here at Cultist -- so you know they'd tune in to watch P$ on the small screen.

Unless, of course, they're starring in the show themselves. Pepe's looking for locals to star alongside him in the series. Want in? We asked the man (er, puppet) himself about the show, when it's scheduled to air, and the best ways to get next to that tiny felted pimp.

See also:
- Pepe Billete's Guide to Celebrating Hugo Chavez's Death In the 305
- Pepe Billete's Open Letter to Miami Heat Haters
- Pepe Billete's Guide to the Best of Miami

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Be warned, blog readers: If you hate having a song stuck in your head, you should avoid watching the video after the jump.

If, on the other hand, you're a fan of Jillian Mayer and Lucas Leyva, the filmmaking team behind last year's Life and Freaky Times of Uncle Luke, you're going to want to see this. Especially if you missed the Borscht Film Festival in December.

#PostModem, Leyva and Mayer's latest collaboration, was part of Borscht's stellar lineup at the Arsht Center a month ago. Now, it's headed to the Sundance Film Festival, screening for the first time this Friday. But you don't have to book plane tickets to Utah to see it. Well, part of it, anyway.

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When Good Morning America imitated the dance, they said "Gangnam Style" was over. When PSY taught Ellen Degeneres and Britney Spears the dance on TV, they said "Gangnam Style" was over. When NFL on Fox parodied the video, they said "Gangnam Style" was over.

But "Gangnam" Style will never ever be truly over, and people like "Dancing Maniac Carlos Francisco Diaz" are the reason why.

Diaz took to the streets of South Beach with only a handheld speaker and enough money to buy a neon orange Speedo, and brought "Gangnam Style" to tourists and locals alike. He inspired beach girls to shake their booties, mothers to shake their babies, and one fitness buff to pick him up and spin him around like a Dirty Dancing deleted scene. He also danced with some homeless guys in a few borderline-exploitative moments, and stopped traffic by simply standing in front of cars and buses, which is really only funny if you've never been stuck in traffic on Ocean Drive behind some jerk doing the same exact thing.

Yes, of course it's all on film. Watch, laugh, wince, and otherwise judge this millionth "Gangnam Style" reboot after the jump.

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Christmas in South Florida isn't exactly your traditional celebration. There's no softly falling snow, no chestnuts roasting on open fires, and hot cocoa just doesn't taste the same in 80-degree weather.

But the folks behind Hialeah Haikus, the collection of funny-because-it's-true verse that made Miami actually want to read poetry when it debuted in 2010, know that what Christmas in Miami lacks in tradition, it makes up for in Latin superstars, Cuban pastries, and whole roasted pigs (especially ones driving around in convertibles).

In its "12 Days of Miami Christmas" video, the writers of Hialeah Haikus break down all the things that make the Hialeah holidays special. Or cringe-worthy. Or hilarious. Or all three. Check it out after the jump.

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