Logan Fazio

The Mayans had it wrong. The world will not end December 21 this year. It ends every year during the last weekend in May.

That's when the good people of Miami and the Beaches are swarmed with hoards of tourists flooding in for Urban Beach Week. And it's coming again this weekend. Get ready for even more traffic, skin, crime, and loud music (and even less beach parking) than usual on South Beach.

The Great Memorial Day Swarm of 2011 brought over 350,000 people to our city. Sure, the tourist dollars are great for our economy, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. Shouldn't it be capped to, like, 200,000 people?

To escape the wrath of South Beach, we've compiled a list of the 10 best things to do around Miami from Thursday to Monday, many of which are free or on the cheap.
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Miami can be so annoying, bro.

Irregardless of our broken English, poor syntax, and tik-tiki music, the Big Mango can be tremenda mierda sometimes. From shitty drivers to Pitbull's overuse of the word "dale," there's so much shit to be embarrassed about.

Pero at the end of the day, Miami's better than Tampa, right? We doubt that their weekend guide's as diverse as ours. And that whole Gulf of Mexico thing? Whack. It's all about the Atlantic, baby. No oil spills on this side, bitches.

Here are the 11 best things to do in Miami this weekend.
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Smyrna Beach Humane Society

Myrna knew she had the chops to pull off an elaborate hat.

Whatever happened to the tradition of wearing a big crazy hat for Easter? Years ago, when dinosaurs walked the earth and hatched out of giant pink eggs laid by the sabre-tooth Easter bunny, women and children would flounce down the main streets of their hometowns on Easter Sunday, displaying giant hats in an annual Easter Parade. Judy Garland even sang about the weird custom.

Cultist wants to bring back wearing hats -- and no, that old Von Dutch trucker cap in the back of your closet doesn't count. Neither do the mouse ears you bought at your drunken weekend to Disney World. If you're gonna attend tomorrow's Mad Hatter Art Exhibit tomorrow, April 7th at the Miami Beach Botanical Garden, you'd damn well better represent.
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​It's Friday, y'all. You know what that means:

"Shots shots shots shots
shots shots shots shots
shots shots shots shots
shots shots shots shots
IT'S THE WEEKEND!"

Yes, we rewrote the lyrics to LMFAO and Lil' Jon's song, "Shots." If anyone has any qualms about it, please feel free to know we don't give a damn.

What a hellish week it's been, eh? If it's not one thing it's another - you've got your boss hounding you down and you're in way over your head at work. Geez, when are we all gonna catch a break? Soon, kids, real soon. Freedom is just a few hours away.

Here are the ten best things to do in the 305 this weekend - all of which are certain to contribute to copious amounts of shots -- because you deserve a few, and you're in Miami, bitch.
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​Sweet holy Jesus, it's Friday, y'all! For five grueling days we've been schlepping on with our ridiculously mundane lives. But finally -- yes, finally -- we've arrived at the best part of the week: the weekend! Oh, weekend, how we love thee.

Anyway, have you prepped your livers for all the alcohol this weekend? Have you plenty of bottled water to rid you of the toxins from whatever pills you pop? Hey, we're not shy, and we're definitely not ignorant. Ultra's this weekend, so at the very least, prep your corneas for abundant sightings of glitter and spandex everywhere. Take a cab, walk, or bike where you can. And don't forget: Biscayne Boulevard northbound near Downtown is closed for the fest.

Are we leaving anything out? Oh, yeah, have an effing amazing time.

So, without further ado, here are the 10 best things to do in our soon-to-be liquid glitter-covered and neon spandex-infested city.
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Venus de Milo with Drawers

​When we saw the crowd outside the Moore Building stretching down the street, we knew the Dali Miami exhibit was going to be exciting.

The hyper-sexual drawings, lithographs, paintings and sculptures -- which show through Sunday were enticing - much like Miami. Also like the Magic City, the prices were a bit steep and the music was blah. But there were more than 200 pieces of the Spanish master's work on display. We wanted to bask in the Dali glow.
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weheartit.com

​Hot damn, it's Friday, amigos! It's also the first weekend of March. That means we have the chance to start fresh. February's love-sick theme is overrated, anyway. You know what March brings? Beer. We may not be an old English town in the Northeast where people gather around a local pub to swap old-school stories about their ancestors coming from Ireland. But we do gather around the window at David's Cafe all the time and talk no se que with a cortadito in hand.

After all, Miami has flavor, yo.

Here are the 10 best things to do this weekend in the city that has more sazon than any other we know. Dale.
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​Did y'all see that CNN Republican Presidential Debate on Wednesday? Not one mention of arts and culture. If you ask us, the GOP's allergic to creativity. It's safe to say Mitt Romney or Rick Santorum won't be singing with B.B. King if either of those two yodels is elected commander-in-chief.

But don't worry; their chances are grim. It's the last weekend in February and there are plenty of neat events going down 'round Miami. Let's celebrate diversity, arts, and culture.

From swanky South Beach Food and Wine Festival happenings to Shakespearean theatre, the options are endless. Check out the 10 best things to do in Miami this weekend.
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Loverboy works for the weekend

​Loverboy said it best: "Everybody's workin' for the weekend/Everybody wants a new romance/Everybody's goin' off the deep end/Everybody needs a second chance." 

It's true, y'all. As society, we really are just "workin' for the weekend," clocking it at 9 a.m., punching out at 5 p.m., and counting down the minutes till the weekend in between. It's especially true in Miami, a city where there's always something to do.

Don't believe us? Just take a look at our weekend guide.
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​Hallmark's biggest scam holiday is next week. Because Valentine's Day falls on a Tuesday this year, some couples will celebrate Día de los Enamorados over the weekend by dinning at fancy restaurants, having sex in public, and pouring thousands of dollars into the private helicopter charter industry.

But what about the "average Joe" couple, the cute pair that doesn't buy into hyper-consumerism and corporate-made holidays? We've compiled a weekend guide to help you avoid those obnoxious PDA-friendly lovers, an anti-Valentine's Day weekend guide of sorts.
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