Make Mine A House Pour

British comedian John Cleese, in his role on the zany TV series Fawlty Towers, once said: "I can certainly see that you know your wine. Most of the guests who stay here wouldn't know the difference between Bordeaux and Claret."

I'm guessing that some of those who flocked to the Miami Beach Convention Center this past weekend for the much anticipated Miami International Wine Fair haven't the foggiest idea either (hint: There is no difference). You see, when an event boasts unlimited access to 1000 wines that originate from eighteen countries, an array of prestigious alcohol, and a bounty of food, some people get the wrong idea.

Needless to say, mingling among the industry's finest wine makers, purveyors, and sellers were what I refer to as the sloshed set. These are the folks whose only interest in wine lies in the consumption of the finished product and the eventual bottom-of-the-glass syndrome, those who pay big bucks for a ticket then eat and drink themselves into a coma to get their money's worth. And though we could go on and on about the fair's impressive array of wines, contributing restauranteurs, info-packed seminars, and the spotlight the event shone on Miami, we thought you might appreciate a less conventional approach. Here are the five most treasured comments let out between slurps:

1. Between sips of a French rose: "This is certainly not as good as the white zin Beringer makes that I get from Publix. And it's more expensive."

2. When asked which grape varietal he favored: "Um, well, red or white, but I only like seedless."

3. "I never buy wine in half bottles when I go to a restaurant...it's not real wine," when told the wine was also available in smaller bottles.

4. After being told that Cognac comes from the Cognac region: "Oh, I've been there. I love Italy."

5.When asked what kind of wine she preferred: "Honey, what's that one we get at Wallgreens called?" Joanne Green