What Happened to the Jesus Defense?

It was time to take a stand. The goddamned Miami Beach Police Department had given me a $38 "parking in a restricted zone" ticket for.... Well, parking in a restricted zone.

But they did it on Christmas Eve. There was no muss, no fuss. There was not even a "Merry Christmas" or even a muted "Happy Holidays." Just a big, stinking $38 ticket.

I'll tell you who else gave tickets on Christmas Eve —the Nazis.

Baby Jesus couldn't have slept too tight in his crib up in heaven that night. I kept him up with six hours of prayer: a couple of old Christian curses, a few "pox on their house" requests, and a plan to send locusts into the MBPD ticket registry. You know, Christmas stuff.

But that's not how the big J.C. swings these days, it seems. And it was up to me to fight this slap in his kingly little face. Because this ticket isn't just annoying. It's an affront on Jesus.

So after two weeks of waiting for my curses to be wrought, I headed downtown, to 22 NW 1st street, 4th floor. The pleasant woman behind the desk ticket desk reminded me that I had parked on a series of bright yellow lines and that asking for a court date could raise the fine to nearly $150. I conceded and entered a plea of "not guilty." Spin the wheel, baby.

Justice will be coming in about four to six weeks. Stay tuned, brothers and sisters. -Calvin Godfrey