Hey everybody, only 147 people got killed locally this year, according to Miami-Dade police! That’s six less than last year! Awesome!
What are you gonna do to ring in the New Year? Get drunk? Spend a bunch of money at a club? Shoot a gun in the air?
Well fuck you.
My man Chris (in the black wife beater) and everybody down on SW 27th street got up at the crack of dawn and drove out to the Everglades. They shelled out $200 to some dude who dragged out a pig and slaughtered it right in front of them.
After seasoning the pig and tossing its innards into a giant frying pan, the boys chopped down a tree and ran the trunk through the carcass. They used free weights and cinder blocks to make a spit.
Then they spent nine hours roasting the pig in a ditch they dug in the front lawn of their rented house.
So go ahead. Drink your champagne. Sing your song. Tell everyone you know you love them. But you’ll never be half the man that these dudes are…
Cam Cameron is going to get fired. Not so much because he's an idiot. But because he refused the will of God. Cameron defiantly decided against starting John Beck against the Bengals in the final meaningless regular season game and, instead, started Cleo Lemon because he gave us the best chance to win (Ed. note: someone! get me a vomit bag!) So God had to intervene. He smote Lemon with a hip injury (Ed. note: like Jacob!) and opened the heavenly gates of stardom for Beck to come in and do his thing. Lemon goes down, Beck comes in. On the very first play, Beck fumbles the snap, allowing Cincinnati's Chinedum Ndukwe (Ed. note: spell check just took a shit!) to recover the ball and run it back for a 54 yard touchdown. I'm not gonna lie to you. After that play, I was ready to hop on the next plane to Iowa so I could find Mitt Romney and punch him in the nuts.
It seemed, for that brief moment, that perhaps The Mormon was going to go the way of Tim Couch. Another highly touted quarterback prospect who fumbles his way out of the league and then succumbs to the lure of steroids so he could continue to suck but at least be really buff and muscular while sucking. But Beck was able to recover from the devastating start. And the dude was able to lead the Fins to two touchdown drives the likes of which John Smith himself would be proud of if only he understood what football was. (Ed. note: perhaps if we showed him some clips of the Redskins or Chiefs).
Most Viewed
Sex Offenders Set up Camp - The New Times' Isaiah Thompson broke this story about sex offenders being placed under the Julia Tuttle Causeway by probation officers.
Dade Disclosure - A tale of an affair between two workers at the Miami-Dade County's planning and zoning department, that led to unethical behavior.
Wet T-Shirts,Titty Fights, and Ugliness at Sea - When teenagers gather on the high seas for the Climax Cruise things get wild ... and weird.
John Timoney America's Worst Cop - The Miami Police Chief loves to travel, but what is he doing to lower crime here?
Birdman Lands - Cash Money’s top exec has come to roost in Miami.
South Beach Menace - A scuffle minutes from the nation's sandy playground highlights its slimy underbelly.
For the last couple weeks the New Times has inundated you with year-end lists and wrap-ups. Yet, it's always more fun to look ahead than back. So, on that note, here are some predictions for the wild year to come, from presidential outcomes to the fate of the Dolphins.
1. A Clinton/Obama ticket narrowly claims victory over the God on Our Side platform of the Huckabee/Romney ticket. The country then breaks into Civil War immediately. Hillary forms a coalition of Western female leaders with Bachelet and Kirschner of Chile and Argentina respectively. The quality of wine and steak in the U.S. experiences a dramatic rise.
2. With the number one over all pick Bill Parcells and the Dolphins draft ... Dan Marino!!! Ole number 13 leads the Dolphins to two victories before his arm falls off in the middle of a game. The Big Tuna regrets getting caught in the Dolphins' net and runs back to ESPN before November.
3. After careful consideration and a look at the New Times story on Florida marijuana grow houses the Sunshine State follows in the footsteps of California and decriminalizes pot for medicinal purposes. SoBe hosts the next Cannabis Cup, fashionistas give way to hemp-loving, palm tree-hugging neo-hippies.
4. President Bush, fearing a Democratic presidential victory, decided he needs a few more years to finish executing his “plan” and, in a Chavezesque move, proposes to amend the constitution to allow for unlimited reelection of the president.
5. After word spreads that manatees are making a healthy come back after facing extinction, a black market for Manatee steaks develops. Recipes for cow of the sea spread like wild fire.
In my review last week of S & S Diner at Allen’s Drugstore, I wrote that “way back when our grandparents were eating better/worse than we, it wasn’t unusual to have eateries located within pharmacies”. Tim Hogle, owner of Tantra Restaurant & Lounge, saw the article and forwarded me this photo of the Tantra building when it was Pennway pharmacy in the late 1930's or 40's. “In case you can't make out the signs in the windows,” he writes, “they say ‘breakfast 20 cents ... lunch 5 courses 40 cents ... and dinner 6 courses 50 cents!’”
-- Lee Klein
Last night, sometime after 6 p.m., Miami City Commissioner Michelle Spence-Jones and more than three dozen of her supporters engaged in a spiritual cleansing inside the New Providence Missionary Baptist Church in Liberty City. In case you are not up to speed, Spence-Jones is facing possible criminal charges based on allegations she’s abused her official position for personal gain.
So for almost two hours, a parade of speakers, including former U.S. Congresswoman Carrie Meek, took turns denouncing City Commissioner Marc Sarnoff, who’s recently publicized memo-to-himself claimed Spence-Jones was on the take. The orators also sprayed venom on the local media, particularly the Miami Herald, for reporting about Spence-Jones’s troubles. Not that I’m jealous. They took shots at New Times too.
The encounter was a revealing look at how things remain the same in the Magic City, especially when it comes to playing the race card. It never ceases to appall me how our local Hispanic and Black political leaders prey on their constituents’ fears and suspicions of other ethnic groups to deflect blame from their unethical behavior.
New Year’s Eve, like Valentine’s Day, is what folks in the restaurant biz refer to as “Amateur Night” -- meaning the patrons who frequent eateries on these occasions are not necessarily the most serious diners. That said, some of our local chefs have come up with seriously creative menus for the evening.
North One 10 gets your table “sharing and grooving” with grilled shrimp cocktail, caviar hush puppies, oysters with spinach and brie, and short rib sloppy joes. Following courses bring choices, which include, for starters, white truffle beef tartare with parmesan crisps, followed by duck and yellow beet salad with artichoke vinaigrette, and entrees of porcini-dusted sea bass, or lamb chops with Pommery vinaigrette, corn stuffing, and fig compote, or grilled steak and eggs with swiss cheese home fries and truffled fritatta. Try a warm chocolate egg roll with hazelnut cotton candy for dessert.
Starting at 9:00 P.M., $95.00 plus tax and gratuity. $135.00 with wine pairings. For reservations: 305-893-4211. 11052 Biscayne Blvd.
At Chispa in Doral, choices for each course include a ham-wrapped oyster “teaser”, blue crab salad, and entrees such as wood oven-roasted bone-in rib eye steak or ancho and honey-laquered Chilean sea bass.
First seating at at 5:30 p.m., $49.00 per person. Second seating at 10:00 p.m., with champagne toast, $69.00. Tax and gratuity are not included. For reservations: 305-591-7166. 11500 N.W. 41 Street, Doral.
Do you think Dennis or Hillary could be twins? Or that Huckabee and Giuliani are cut from the same cloth?
That’s what we thought. If you want to show how different the candidates are in the Florida presidential primaries on Jan. 29, you must be registered to vote by Dec. 31.
You can register at a slew of government offices or print out an online form and toss it in the mail (It must be postmarked by Dec. 31).
Registered voters in Miami Beach can soak up an added bonus. Until Dec. 31, more than 100 Miami Beach spas, restaurants and others businesses are offering ten percent discounts to those who show a valid voter registration card with Miami Beach residency.
Then, they can belly up to a bar with a thrifty martini and ponder who to pick to lead this country into a Bush-free future. -- Janine Zeitlin
New Year’s Eve will always be one big party and New Year’s Day will always be one big hangover, so why don’t you take a break from the typical party scene. Dare to try something different and new, and hell, if you don’t like it you can always party next year (unless Armageddon strikes and knowing Miami there will probably still be a party here so there is nothing to worry about).
Now, I know you don’t want to be away from the family. On second thought, maybe you do, but you don’t want to be away from your friends on New Year’s. So why not gather your buddies, grab some tents, and head out to a place like Biscayne National Park. You can camp out and ring in the New Year together, away from the ear splitting noise of revelers and drunken party goers. It makes for a great intimate get together with friends or with a significant other. Just remember to bring some bug spray just in case.
But let’s say you like the city and you would rather not sleep with the insects. You can still get away from the whole party scene and take in a show. Lewis Black will be performing at the Fillmore on New Year’s Eve. Black is an angry comic and with all the stuff that went down this year it will be therapeutic to watch the main event. And if it’s your first time seeing him do his routine don’t be shocked if it looks like he’s about to have a heart attack on the stage, that’s normal.
So my friend downloaded the latest Burnout Paradise demo from Xbox Live, and I can say that the game is shaping up quite nicely. EA better not just stop at the demo, though. I’d hate to see this series go to crap.
My friend played it first, and the first time I saw him crash I had to bite my tongue from saying, “Oh, snap.” You see that’s the thing about the Burnout series, the emphasis isn’t on beating your opponent in a race. The focus is on driving around like a madman and trying to make the coolest crash possible, and if you take out your opponent with you all the better. I’m surprised Jack Thompson or the other anti-game groups haven’t jumped on this, and warned the public that Burnout could cause people to drive recklessly. Anyway, in Paradise you are treated to a little slow-motion movie of you wrecking your car. I never thought shattered window pane fragments could look so beautiful.
Aside from the aesthetic, there is no cumbersome menu to deal with. You load up the game, and you start driving – it’s that simple. The demo consisted of driving around a section of Paradise City, trying to land barrel rolls off of ramps, and crashing in style. I imagine that the game will follow a sandbox style, a style in which the player can go anywhere and interact with the game environment a la Grand Theft Auto.
Howie Kleinberg and Michael Jacobs have a lot in common. Both chefs are fairly big guys, and have been cooking locally for many a year (Jacobs was originally top toque at Tantra in 1997). Kleinberg started up the kitchen at The Food Gang in Surfside, which for all its glowing PR and critical acclaim (in some quarters) was, gastronomically speaking, overrated. Jacobs helped seed Grass’ regrowth to center stage in the Design District. Although arguably the prettiest outdoor dining space in town, Grass’ cuisine was more solid than superb. Which leads to another similarity between the two: Neither seems capable of holding down a job. Kleinberg quickly abandoned The Food Gang for his fifteen minutes of sweaty fame on Top Chef, and will now attempt to cash in with his own Bulldog BBQ joint. Jacobs recently gave up Grass to seek greener grass with his MediterAsia catering and hospitality industry consulting company. The first advice he might consider offering his restaurant clients is this: Make certain to hire a chef who will skipper the ship for at least a year or two. -- Lee Klein
Hi Cleo Lemon. Hello. How are you? Let me first just say, thanks for all the memories. It's been real. You had some decent games for us here and there over the last couple of seasons. Hell, you helped us avoid infamy by leading us to our first and only win this season. And that was sweet. Fantastic. Real nice. High five. C'mon... high five. Cool.
Now ... it's time for you to go. Mainly because you infuriate the shit out of me.
Clearly there's a depth perception problem you need to address as soon as possible. I mean, seriously dude. What the fuck? If you ever find yourself in a burning building and an hysterical mother pleads for someone to please save her baby and toss it down towards the fire fighter's safety net, politely decline and ask her to come up and do it herself. Because if you do it, the baby will end up in the sewer. Or a garbage can. Or the rooftop of a taxi cab. Or it may not make it out the window at all. You see where I'm going with this.
Also, there's your propensity for holding onto the football while you scramble backwards for 9 or 10 yards before the opposing defense overtakes you like an unstoppable swarm of angry bees. Remember that safety you took against the Bills a few weeks back? Yea. We can laugh about it now. But don't. Because it's not fucking funny. That play is who you are, my friend, in a nutshell. Then, of course, came Sunday's game against the Pats. Sure, they put up 28 quick points in the first half. But still. Our defense came out and pretty much jammed a yule log up Brady's ass and man-handled their offense in the second half. Dreamboat threw three interceptions and fumbled once. That's 4 turnovers from Mr. Can Do No Wrong. 4 balls Mr. Sean Salisbury's Wet Dream coughed up for you (woulda been 4 INTs had Randy I Fucking Loooove To Push-off Moss not held Jason Allen's arm.) Yet you did nothing with any of this.
Where: Hops Grill and Brewery , 1155 Pines Blvd., Pembroke Pines, (954) 441-4599
What $15 Gets You: Smothered Chicken Marsala, side of vegetables, side of fries, and a drink of your choice.
The food at Hops wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either. It was standard. Keeping in mind that we had to stick to a budget of $15, our choices were limited. The grill menu was out of the price range, but honestly you shouldn’t expect to get a good 12 ounce steak for under $15.
I ordered the Smothered Chicken Marsala. The chicken was smothered in mushrooms, and I am not using the word smothered lightly. There was more mushroom than chicken. If mushrooms are your thing then you can’t go wrong with this dish. However, I think that even the most die-hard fungus fan would hesitate before diving in.
The chicken wasn’t bad; it had a nice texture to it but I can’t really describe the flavor. It tasted like, well, chicken. There wasn’t anything special to it. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you have a hankering for chicken, but honestly for the $8 dollar price tag I expected something of a kick.
Big Man, one of the men sent to live under the Julia Tuttle Causeway because of a county ordinance prohibiting sex offenders from living in most of Miami-Dade -- “Sex Offenders Set up Camp,” – has been allowed to return home with his wife in Pompano Beach. His case, it turns out, was different from the rest of the bridge-dwellers. For one thing, Big Man’s sexual assault case is twenty-three years old and he isn’t listed on any state registry as a sex offender. For another, his terms of supervision had been set not by the Department of Corrections but by the Parole Commission. So, having completed a two-month parole, he was allowed to leave the bridge.
“I’m out, I’m home,” he told New Times over the phone. He says the adjustment back to normal life – Big Man had been sent to the bridge after three years in prison – has been tricky. “Man, let me tell you something – them dudes when they come up out of there, they have to shake that bridge mentality,” he said. “That bridge changes who you are. It aint no good, man, it aint no good.”
Big Man has kept in touch with some of the men by cell phone; he says he plans to go under the bridge on Christmas Eve with “food and stuff” – “Most definitely I’m happy to be out,” he added. “But I still have love for the guys.”
When asked why a man not listed as a sex offender should be sent under the Julia Tuttle to live with registered sex offenders, the Florida Department of Corrections says that in Big Man’s case, the Florida Parole Commission set all the guidelines of supervision. The Parole Commission, however, denies that it ever instructed anyone to send Big Man under a bridge, and that Big Man’s placement was entirely the decision of the DoC. For his part, Big Man says that he plans to sue both. -- Isaiah Thompson
