No More! Bye For Now, Basel

Categories: Art Basel


No more art. Not for a few weeks, anyway. Not to say Art Basel wasn't jolly and everything, but we've got a pounding art hangover to nurse. Call us lightweights, but while some of the art was as fine brandy to the palate, we definitely got slammed by a 40 or two of artistic malt liquor out there. So, as a public service to all, we've compiled a top ten list of No-Nos for next year's Art Baselites.

1. No more shock – just quit it, okay? No, your cut-off doll's head wasn't shocking; neither was your old man's penis nor your writhing-on-the-ground performance.

2. No more explanations: Whether delivered by the artist him/herself, presented in lengthy text beside the work, or recited eagerly by some slavish groupie, explanations of what some work of art means are lame, lame, lame. And usually dumb -- even if the work doesn't speak for itself, your explanation is worse.

3. No more "symbols of consumerism" – You mean your photograph of an upturned shopping cart outside a Publix is actually undermining the very foundations of American corporate capitalist culture? Come on.

4. No more skinny chicks – No more depictions of half-naked, half-starved anorexic-looking women. Leave the shame-inducing mind-control to advertisers, would you? And on that note . . .

5. No more models milling about– they're annoying.

6. No more lists – Are we on the list? Are you on the list? Can we be on the list? I thought she put me on the list, I'm sure we should be on the list, don't you see us on the list? . . . Screw your list, assholes.

6. No more flying people with swords –amazingly -you had to be on the Surfcomber's list to see that one.

7. No more fetal positions.

8. No more confessions.

9. No more Photoshop -- and if you're going digital, up the res, yo! That pixilated crap is just plain weak.

10. No more shoes – This weekend featured a shocking abundance of brand-name "shoe art," – shoes in paintings, shoes on pedestals, shoes in glass boxes. Let's be clear on the difference – art is made in studios, by artists. Shoes are made in sweatshops, by third-world laborers (Shout out to Adidas: saw you at the MAP Magazine party, man. Nice shoe-in-glass-frame!) --Isaiah Thompson

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