Shine On You Crazy Mormon

Categories: Sports

Cam Cameron is going to get fired. Not so much because he's an idiot. But because he refused the will of God. Cameron defiantly decided against starting John Beck against the Bengals in the final meaningless regular season game and, instead, started Cleo Lemon because he gave us the best chance to win (Ed. note: someone! get me a vomit bag!) So God had to intervene. He smote Lemon with a hip injury (Ed. note: like Jacob!) and opened the heavenly gates of stardom for Beck to come in and do his thing. Lemon goes down, Beck comes in. On the very first play, Beck fumbles the snap, allowing Cincinnati's Chinedum Ndukwe (Ed. note: spell check just took a shit!) to recover the ball and run it back for a 54 yard touchdown. I'm not gonna lie to you. After that play, I was ready to hop on the next plane to Iowa so I could find Mitt Romney and punch him in the nuts.

It seemed, for that brief moment, that perhaps The Mormon was going to go the way of Tim Couch. Another highly touted quarterback prospect who fumbles his way out of the league and then succumbs to the lure of steroids so he could continue to suck but at least be really buff and muscular while sucking. But Beck was able to recover from the devastating start. And the dude was able to lead the Fins to two touchdown drives the likes of which John Smith himself would be proud of if only he understood what football was. (Ed. note: perhaps if we showed him some clips of the Redskins or Chiefs).

Beck was able to finish the day 13 for 21, for 135 yards, two touchdowns and a 96.3 passer rating. He rushed for his first touchdown and threw his second to Derek Hagan (Ed. note: he caught it!). When Beck had his groove going, he demonstrated a killer quick-release and showed a lot of moxie when the team was in no-huddle mode. Sadly enough, it took an injury to Lemon for us all to see what we originally needed to see prior to this game anyway. Coming into this week, there were doubts about Beck. Let's face it, in his last few starts, he resembled the piss-boy more than he resembled the heir to the Marino throne. Now we at least have been reassured that Beck can play the quarterback position when he gets the help (Ed. note: thanks Lorenzo Booker!) and gets into a rhythm (Ed note.: thanks Ted Ginn!). Thanks to the fact that Cleo Lemon can't scramble worth dick, and was able to get banged up, Beck was able to come in so that we, and particularly Bill Parcells, could see that he is just fine and that if we build around him, The Mormon can be a successful quarterback for the Miami Dolphins. Go get em, John! And for Godsakes, stop fucking fumbling the ball!!! Rub your hands on your magical underwear before every game, would ya! -- Chris Joseph

For more on sports from Chris Joseph go to FinsNation.com.

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7 comments
Georgina
Georgina

Mormon Underwear is not magical in the real sense. They are only considered as Temple garments that is why they are being held as sacred;just like the "alb" worn of the Catholic priests during the mass. So it's most likely equivalent to that,that's just my point of view. 

Caitlin
Caitlin

Beck's Mormon Underwear in the first place is not "magical" nor is it miraculous.. It's only up to him to get  pumped up in every game,because his underwear has nothing to do with it.

Alan
Alan

The future is now, Bill, and John Beck is it. Amazing what Beck can do when the O. line and the receivers actually do their jobs.

Thczv
Thczv

Uh, who is John Smith?

Robert
Robert

Texas Phin, a few more "facts" for you: Cameron won't be getting fired because he made God mad. God did not smote Cleo Lemon's hip. And there aren't any piss-boys either. It's called humor. Look into it.

TexanPhin
TexanPhin

Sounds like Beck might be the future.

"Magical underwear"?

What the crap? LDS people don'tthink their underwear is magical.

Stick with facts. You sound like thosepoliticians, throwing around untrue garbage. Stick with how the "Mormon" kid can play.

If we get enough in place around him . . . 2008 could get a lot better for us!

I hope Uncle Bill can get the Phins swimming straight again.

Peace out!

TexanPhin
TexanPhin

Sounds like Beck might be the future.

"Magical underwear"?

What the crap? LDS people don'tthink their underwear is magical.

Stick with facts. You sound like thosepoliticians, throwing around untrue garbage. Stick with how the "Mormon" kid can play.

If we get enough in place around him . . . 2008 could get a lot better for us!

I hope Uncle Bill can get the Phins swimming straight again.

Peace out!

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