The Spirit of '76?

Categories: Sports

Well. This is it. One more loss away from tying the 1976 Bucs. Two more losses away from full on dementia.

Beat the 4-9 Ravens or face the fact that you’ll be telling your grandkids you experienced the worst season ever in the history of the NFL. And then they’ll recoil in horror as they realize that you forgot to put in your teeth and that you just pissed your pants.

One thing's for sure, this game is guaranteed to be one big giant horse manure sandwich with a dill on the side. 4-9 vs. 0-13. Baltimore is on a seven-game losing streak. Their fans are whining and doing goofy shit because of it. Seven games? Feh. Pussies. Try sixteen games (dating from last season), then come talk to me. I have no sympathy for you. I have walked through the maelstrom and lived to tell about it! It’s stuff of legend, dammit! Like that five year old kid that killed a bear this past week. Shit, when I was five years old I was playing with GI Joes and rubbing myself up against the carpet because it felt tingly. This kid’s killing fucking grizzlies. That little fucker has a pickup line for the rest of his life. Rock on, little man. Rock on.

But I digress.

Seems that our only chance of getting a win here is if Kyle Boller can remember that he is, in fact, Kyle Boller. Still, our run-defense is giving up over 4 yards to opposing running backs and has been scored on more times than Paris Hilton during a quick visit to the bank to deposit a check (16 times).

Remember what Willis McGahee did to the Patriots a couple of weeks ago? Well, we’re not the Patriots. The Dolphins D will be without Channing Crowder and are already missing Zach Thomas. That leaves us with Jason Taylor, who is playing just hard enough to get his ass shipped out of Miami, Keith Traylor, who can only manage a play or two per quarter before he’s sucking wind and tapping out, and Joey Porter, who has begun to show glimpses of his old self – and by that I mean world-class douchebag, average linebacker (as opposed to world-class douchebag, shitty linebacker). So guys like Vonnie Holliday, Matt Roth & his fragile groin, and Rodrique Wright will have to step up to stop the bleeding. In other words, we’re fucked. McGahee is going to beat our front-seven like they’re Tina and he, Ike Turner. What? Too soon?

In any case, I can’t bring myself to pick the Fins in this one. As I have noted before, God doth hate us Dolphins fans. I no longer leave my house for fear of being struck by lightning. Or perhaps having a grand piano fall on my head. Although I would actually prefer that because, if Tom & Jerry have taught us anything, it’s that one can survive a grand piano falling on one’s head. Of course you’d have to walk around with piano keys for teeth, but still.

So, our date with shitstiny continues. Move over Steve Spurrier! Here we come! YEEE-AHHHH!!!! -- Chris Joseph

Read more on sports from Chris Joseph at FinsNation.com

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