What Lies Ahead in 2008 ... Dan Marino, Land Grabs, Biscuits and More
For the last couple weeks the New Times has inundated you with year-end lists and wrap-ups. Yet, it's always more fun to look ahead than back. So, on that note, here are some predictions for the wild year to come, from presidential outcomes to the fate of the Dolphins.
1. A Clinton/Obama ticket narrowly claims victory over the God on Our Side platform of the Huckabee/Romney ticket. The country then breaks into Civil War immediately. Hillary forms a coalition of Western female leaders with Bachelet and Kirschner of Chile and Argentina respectively. The quality of wine and steak in the U.S. experiences a dramatic rise.
2. With the number one over all pick Bill Parcells and the Dolphins draft ... Dan Marino!!! Ole number 13 leads the Dolphins to two victories before his arm falls off in the middle of a game. The Big Tuna regrets getting caught in the Dolphins' net and runs back to ESPN before November.
3. After careful consideration and a look at the New Times story on Florida marijuana grow houses the Sunshine State follows in the footsteps of California and decriminalizes pot for medicinal purposes. SoBe hosts the next Cannabis Cup, fashionistas give way to hemp-loving, palm tree-hugging neo-hippies.
4. President Bush, fearing a Democratic presidential victory, decided he needs a few more years to finish executing his “plan” and, in a Chavezesque move, proposes to amend the constitution to allow for unlimited reelection of the president.
5. After word spreads that manatees are making a healthy come back after facing extinction, a black market for Manatee steaks develops. Recipes for cow of the sea spread like wild fire.
6. After a year where the cupcake saw a meteoric rise back to prominence in the American pastry lexicon, it's the biscuit's turn in 2008. The delightful breakfast bread product surges with all new varieties, and appears on the plates of top restaurants everywhere. A chain, Just Grab 'em in the Biscuit, opens and spreads nationwide.
7. As media becomes ever more consolidated and newspapers continue to cut corners and staff, selling the consumer and journalistic ethics short along the way, a community backlash erupts. A series of unionized, well-staffed news Web sites spring-up and become wildly successful. Publishers and media moguls everywhere scramble to replace what's left of their staffs with computer programs that randomly put words like Britney, Sex, Pregnancy, Boobs, Drugs, J. Lo, Scandal and Rehab together in headlines.
8. With prices for corn on the rise due to demand for ethanol, the economy continuing to slump, and gas prices at all time highs, a new land rush begins. Migrants from big eastern cities pack their Land Cruisers and Escalades and stake claim to territory in the “unexplored” Mountain West region. People in Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, Kansas and other states build fences to keep out the eastern immigrants.
9. A Miami driver will use a turn single for a brief moment, realize the mistake and then quickly turn it off before making a hasty left turn in the face of oncoming traffic.
10. In the music world, more and more musicians realize the power of the accordion. Following in the footsteps of Julieta Venegas and Weird Al Yankovic a wide range of artists from Damien Marley to Pit Bull and Radiohead incorporate accordion into their music. Just trust me on this one. -- Tovin Lapan