AHHHHH! A Raucous Caucus!

BaracobamacameinfirstandHillarywasthirdbecauseEdwardswassecond andRomneygothisasskickedwontthatbeasurprisetothe
guysbackinghiminmiami!

Whew. Excuse me.

The Iowa caucuses are over and done and the votes are in. Dems: Obama by 8 points, then Edwards by one point over Clinton. Republicans: Huckabee by 9, then Romney, but McCain looming in New Hampshire. Ron Paul, despite a whole lot of donations, managed to beat only Giuliani -- who has no time for people from Iowa anyway.

All of them gave speeches (except McCain), but the night’s losers’ gave speeches that sounded like losers’ speeches. Romney made some lame-ass joke about the silver medal and allowed speed-skating gold-medalist Dan Jansen to make an even lamer one-liner: “I was a sprinter,” said Jansen. “Mitt Romney is a marathoner.”

Yeah, Mitt, but Huckabee’s got Chuck Norris on his side – and fake kung fu trumps speed skating.

BaracobamacameinfirstandHillarywasthirdbecauseEdwardswassecondandRomneygothisasskickedwontthatbeasurprisetotheguysbackinghiminmiami!

Whew. Excuse me.

The Iowa caucuses are over and done and the votes are in. Dems: Obama by 8 points, then Edwards by one point over Clinton. Republicans: Huckabee by 9, then Romney, but McCain looming in New Hampshire. Ron Paul, despite a whole lot of donations, managed to beat only Giuliani -- who has no time for people from Iowa anyway.

All of them gave speeches (except McCain), but the night’s losers’ gave speeches that sounded like losers’ speeches. Romney made some lame-ass joke about the silver medal and allowed speed-skating gold-medalist Dan Jansen to make an even lamer one-liner: “I was a sprinter,” said Jansen. “Mitt Romney is a marathoner.”

Yeah, Mitt, but Huckabee’s got Chuck Norris on his side – don’t forget that.

Hillary (it’s okay to call her Hillary and not Clinton, because guess what her fans were chanting? And it’s longer by a syllable, too) sounded more strained and pissed-off than usual, and who could blame her? Third place? She was nice about it, though – she even used one of opponent Obama’s favorite words to express her optimism: “we are sending a clear message that we are going to have change,” she said. Had a familiar ring to it . . . “and that change will be a Democratic president in the White House in 2009."

But in this blogger’s opinion, the coverage so far missed the biggest story of the night: Edwards beat Clinton. That’s some serious news -- and don’t think Obama's people didn’t notice.

If the dems win, I betcha one of them is V.P.

Other predictions (tis the season):

Democrats: Hillary goes after Edwards, since she can’t touch Obama, especially now. Edwards goes after Clinton, and the Obama campaign begins making secret overtures to Edwards while becoming internally divided over whether it wouldn’t be better to recruit someone who doesn’t mention poverty so often . Oprah goes missing.

Republicans: McCain, smelling blood, reverts from Serious McCain to the good ol’ Crazy McCain of yore, wins everybody over on the Republican side, and cleans up in New Hampshire. Then he faces off with Huckabee, who is not only crazier than he is, but a little vague on things to boot, and Crazy McCain manages to come off looking his Serious self again in the nick of time. Romney, sticking it out to the last, has a disturbing vision but is afraid to mention it, as it seems like a very . . . mormony kind of vision. Giuliana, desperate, declares holy jihad on the Arab world and dies in the far reaches of Pakistan, fighting for the homeland to the last

Independents: Ron Paul and his followers receive sudden word from the mothership that even Presidents can’t eat cats and are beamed up pronto.

-- Isaiah Thompson



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