Who Would Jesus Vote For? - Mitt Romney
In the third installment of our series examining Jesus' thoughts on the presidential candidates, Our Lord and Savior turns his critical eye toward The Stormin' Mormon, Mitt Romney. Earlier in the week, Jesus shared his thoughts on John Edwards and John McCain, and Wednesday he weighed in on Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul.
Remember in the patented Crucifix Rating System (CRS)®, a maximum five crosses equals a strenuous holy endorsement.
Mitt Romney: Jesus loves his hair and his total willingness to torture the living shit out of anyone who messes with America. But Jesus has heard some very unsettling things about Romney’s stances on gay marriage, abortion, and trying to take people’s guns away. Those are big Jesus no-nos.
So Jesus is going to have to consult with Mormon Jesus on this one.
CRS Result: Rating deferred to Mormon Jesus
Just like McCain, Edwards, Kucinich and Paul, Romney doesn't quite meet the high standards Jesus holds his presidential candidates up to. As our series continues Friday, The Holy Son takes the candidacies of Barack Obama and Rudolph Giuliani under consideration. Jesus will wrap up his evaluations next week, and announce his decision on the morning of the January 29 primary. -- Calvin Godfrey and Tovin Lapan