Kimbo Takes Tank - in 43 Seconds!

Categories: Culture
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Photo by Omar Vega
Kimbo Slice flexed after making quick work of Tank Abbot.

Ever seen two mastodons go at it? Me neither. Not till last night at BankUnited, anyway. The occasion: Kimbo Slice vs Tank Abbott for the EliteXC Street Certified championship, of course. And I was cage-side.

But don’t think for a second that my side of the cage was any less dangerous than theirs. See, their side only had two heavyweights to contend with, and as bad and as beastly as they are, even Kimbo and Tank would have had a hard time contending with the thousands who thronged to see them spill each others’ blood.

Talk about gladiators at the gates. Hell, I’d bet the 300 themselves wouldn’t have had a chance against this kill-crazed crowd. And you know what? I wouldn’t want it any other way.

This must’ve been what it was like when Christians got thrown to the lions and lions got thrown to the wolves: primal, brutal, barbaric, and utterly beautiful; if, that is, you’re the type to see the beauty behind a bloody bruise. Tank, whose oversize physique more than lives up to his name, could be the Gen X equivalent of Paul Bunyan, though instead of wielding an axe to chop down trees, one gets the impression he’d be much more effective simply using his fists.

Kimbo, on the other hand, could wipe-out a whole forest just by staring it down. No wonder this cat has never lost a fight – on the street or elsewhere. Just one look turns all his opponents to jelly – or to mincemeat.

Which is what Kimbo made of Tank. Instant mincemeat. Bam! A left to the button. Bam! A right across his skull. Bam! Bam! Bam! Three quick jabs to the back of Abbott’s already canvassed head. “That’s not nice,” said the ref. “Outta my way,” said Slice. And four more rapid-fire flourishes later, it was all over.

But credit Mister Abbott for standing what little ground he got, if only for a few seconds; credit Tank too for having guts enough to walk into the cage in front of a hometown crowd who’d like nothing better than to have his skull on a spit at their next barbecue. But walking headfirst into the wall of undeniability that is Kimbo Slice? That’s just wrong. –John Hood


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