Magic City Kitty – Help! My Boyfriend’s Blowing Up!

Welcome to Riptide's newest blog. Everyone has issues with sex, love and relationships, and Magic City Kitty is here to hear you out. Every Tuesday and Thursday, she will be answering your questions and dispensing her considerable wisdom about all things boy-and-girl, girl-and-girl, boy-and-boy, and ... well, you get the point. No question is too risqué and Kitty promises to leave no freak behind. Got a question? A crazy story? A sticky situation? All submissions will be anonymous, send her an email!

And now, Kitty’s inaugural inquiry:

Hello, Kitty

My fiancee and I have been together for eight years, engaged for three, and in a crisis for one. I love him with every piece of me, he’s the most wonderful man in the world –but – and it’s a big BUTT – my problem with him is a bit more (and I hate to say it) superficial. When we met, my baby was tall and lean, now he’s tall and – well, let’s just say he’s let himself go. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no chubby-hater, but my man’s ass is bigger than mine! I’ve never cheated and I never bring up his weight, but I’m a little more than fed up. My lack of attraction for him has gotten so bad that I’ve taken to imagining that David Beckham is in my bed. Even worse, I’m pretty sure he’s picking up on my disgust. Our wedding is coming up fast, and I don’t want to leave my baby over this but a hot sex life is pretty important to me. I don’t want to hurt him but I’m dreading the future already, help!

Stuck between a roll and a hard place

Dear Stuck,

Wow. You start out by saying that you love your man and by the end of your letter you’re ranting about your desire to be with someone who makes your juices percolate. Experts (who are not me) say that true love looks beyond blubber and all else that is purely superficial. I must say that I agree with that, and I believe that if you truly love your chubster you will fight your adulterous urges. I hear you screaming If I could I would! at me, but believe me, you can- - and you have the right idea already. Stuck, your mind’s eye is the most wonderful tool in the bedroom. Fuck the nipple clamps, just bring your imagination.

The fact that you’re imagining that it’s Becks huffing and puffing on top of you is cool, but you need to take it one step further. Quit your bitching and work your man out! Force him into a suspending congress and he’ll tone those flabby biceps, coerce him into the butterfly and he’ll have to engage those unspent thigh muscles. Whatever you do, don’t let him know what you’re doing - there’s no putdown like one handed out while naked. One more thing, please send in a picture of yourself so I can see if you’re really as together as you seem to think you are. Chances are, Stuck, you’re not and your loathing for your man is just a way to disguise the hatred that you have for your own fat ass.

Email the Magic City Kitty