Magic City Kitty - Where Can I Put This Boner?


Hello, Kitty

My wife and I have been married for 14 years and have 2 tween-aged girls. Shes’s a stay-at-home mom, treats me like a king, our kids are happy, etcetera etcetera. The one complaint I have with her is that she is super up-tight in the bedroom and only opens her legs for me 2-3 times a month when we used to go at it 2-3 times a day! And not only that, but we were high school sweethearts and I was her first and only partner so her skills are pretty limited and she refuses to try anything outside of the missionary position. Whenever I try to introduce something new she pushes me off of her. I’m tired of beating off to pornos, and I don’t want to step outside of my marriage. What do I do?

Mr. Meatbeat

Hey Mr. Meatbeat,

So you want the wife to bend it over, huh? I can step out of my body for a sec, speak for the men and give you a hearty “Don’t we all.” I’ve done absolutely no surveys on the topic, but I promise you that a lot of married guys are currently unhappy with the amount of tricks their woman performs in the bedroom. And my confidential sources say that when the female says, “I do,” what she really means is “Whew. No more deep-throat! No more obligatory fucks!” Of course, this theory can swing both ways or not swing at all, but be aware. Another possible cause of your problem could be that Mrs. Meatbeat is just exhausted from treating you like a fucking king and chasing Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus around the house all day. The missionary position can be extremely relaxing to a woman who’s on her feet all day, and your lady probably enjoys sprawling out on the bed for a few minutes out of the month. Ya know, doggie style can be rough on kitchen-floor-scrubbing, under-the-bed-vacuuming, sandbox-sifting knees.

And Mr. Meatbeat, have you ever considered that the Mrs. just doesn’t want a penis inside of her at the same time that you want to push it in her? I know, I know - penetration is the name of the game, but the fact is that having a 6-inch long, 1 ¼ inch wide piece of sausage inside of you can become pretty invasive after a while. And then all that grinding and poking and…damn, the girl may just want to let her pussy chill for a minute and regain it’s elasticity or something. Yeah, she should do a handstand by her man every now and then, but you can do your part to get her warmed up. Send the rugrats to a sleepover and commit a night to relaxation – which will secretly double as a night of sexation. You’ll need a bottle of wine (or vodka, if you wish), mood lighting, massage oil, a plush robe, and one of those pornos you like so much. This night, treat your woman like a queen and hopefully your efforts will result in some power pussy. The combination of the massage, a bath, and some wine may result in a power nap for her, but that’s why the kids are gone. Lay on the bed and watch a flick while you wait for her to wake up, start the process again and cross your fingers. If that doesn’t work, you may have married a sexually timid woman. If you love her, you’ll continue to beat your meat while you try all of the subtle tricks to get her to loosen up. If not, I know a few girls that you can call – they’re very discrete and would be more than happy to give you what your schlong’s been missing.

Got a question? Email the Magic City Kitty.

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