Miami Heat Draft Recap: The Ghost of Harold Miner Has Been Exorcized

Categories: Sports

When NBA commissioner David Stern walked up to the microphone last night and said, “With the second pick in the 2008 NBA draft the Miami Heat select…” there was a collective sphincter-clenching angst that shot across Heat Nation. “Oh shit,” we all thought breathlessly, “are we going to hear any other name besides Michael Beasley, and if so, are we allowed to riot immediately?” Would the Heat actually have their own version of the Miami Dolphins 2007 NFL Draft when, rather than taking a potential franchise quarterback, the Dolphins went with a one-legged punt-returner instead?

After weeks and days and hours of the gut-wrenching, edge of your seat, puke in somebody’s Cup-O-Noodles, bite your fingernails to the nub, can’t stand the suspense so I’ll just punch a random stranger in the gonads tension that Heat President Pat Riley put us through, he eventually eased all the useless anxiety and did the right thing by drafting our man Beasley. Yes, Riley had himself a serious man-crush on one OJ Mayo. But just as he almost inexplicably drafted Chris Kaman over Dwyane Wade in 2003 but ultimately made the right decision, Riley eventually came to his senses and took the right guy again last night. Why he chooses to do this to us is beyond me. What a well-coifed asshole.

As far as our point guard need is concerned, we may have just solved it after Riley traded future picks and cash to Minnesota for the rights to second-round pick and Final Four MVP Kansas point guard Mario Chalmers. Chalmers is considered to be one of the most NBA-ready players entering the draft and had been projected to be drafted much higher than he was. He’s an excellent shooter and defender and possesses the always imperative balls-of-steel you want in your players. You may remember him from this clutch shot during the NCAA Championship game to force an improbable overtime and eventually lead the Jayhawks their National title last March.

So there you go. Now the Heat’s future can be built around D-Wade and Beasley. And yes, we now have a crapload of forwards with Beasley, Shawn Marion, Udonis Haslem and Darnell Jackson. But it sure feels a lot better waking up this morning saying, “Wow. We got ourselves a crapload of forwards,” than it would have been saying, “Wow. We certainly fucked that up last night.”

So, to sum up: Michael Beasley is a Miami Heat, disaster was averted, we may have solved our point guard needs with a clutch player, and Scarlett Johansson has a great rack. I know that last one has nothing to do with the NBA draft, but it’s a scientific fact that it always makes any list more awesome.

- Chris Joseph


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