Magic City Kitty - I'm in Lesbo-Land, Get Me Out of Here!

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Hello, Kitty

I was trying to get over my ex-boyfriend when I met my new friend, but now I can’t get her off my back. I met her at Target, and in the beginning we really enjoyed spending time with her - in the bed and out. This was my first girl-on-girl, so I was surprised that the relationship went so well and I had lover and friend whom I could talk with about whatever. Plus, she was also trying to get over a relationship-gone-sour so we both clung to each other for lack of better company. But now, 3 months have gone by, the sex is just so-so, and I’m bored with her. She says that she’s falling in love with me, but truthfully all I want is to go back to men in general, and my ex-boyfriend in particular. I just don’t know how to tell her. I got the courage to tell her one night, but we ended up getting drunk and she confessed to me that her mom has cancer and that she “needs me more than ever.” I do have actual feelings for this girl, so my possible homosexuality is something I’m also dealing with, but maybe that’ll be good for another question. For now, I need to know how I can go back to my man without breaking my girl’s heart. I do have feelings for her, so what do I do?

Sykuv Crease


Hi Sykuv,

Damn, just 3 months with the fishes and you’re ready to eat meat again? Welcome back, girl – the lesbians hardly knew ye. And just so you know, your issue isn’t specific to girl-on-girl breakups. We’ve all had to get rid of a clingy rebound chump or two, yours just happens to have a taco between her legs and if I read your letter correctly, that’s why this is new territory for you. Sykuv, since you’re a pussy-chewbie-newbie, allow me to venture into stereotypic territory for a sec. Disclaimer: Despite what some think, I am a GIRL so I can say these things without being labeled a chauvinist. Plus, I can back up my statements with things that I have both witnessed and performed, so take that, Teresa! Here goes: Some women can be clingy, manipulative, unrelenting, and downright shady when it comes to getting what/who they want. So perhaps your muff-diver has shown some or all of these traits, and perhaps this is why you’re asking me for help. I admire and applaud your discretion hon, because since while it was easy to worm your way into this woman’s life, it’s going to take more than a romantic stroll through Target to undo this one. Now that your relationship “means something” and emotions are involved, you better be careful with this break-up because this woman is, ugh, depending on you. And her dropping the mom-sick-bomb was only the beginning of her reliance. That being said, your escape must be masterful.

I’m not saying that lesbians are the only ones who loathe abandonment; it’s just that I’ve heard many myths and fables about bleach bottle-wielding lezzies would hate for you to become a statistic. So here comes another stereotype. {Damn, I’m full of them today - get Al Sharpton on the phone!} Don’t cross an angry lesbian, hell hath no fury like a sapphist scorned, yadda, yadda, yadda. So if you want a clean break, you’re better off with a story that this woman can’t argue with. Tell her that you’re still attracted to men (not much of a lie, huh), and that you would never want to lead her on to thinking that you’re anything less than a lifelong lesbian and her possible soul mate. Okay, so that isn’t a total fib, but it’ll work because it tells her that you’ve considered a future with her, that you care for her, and that she’d have to grow a dick to ever be with you. Remember, you need excuses that hit the emotions and make sense, and she can curl up with a tissue and the first two excuses for some comfort when she’s feeling sad. Sure she could flip the switch and visit Dr. 90210 for a peen, but it will probably remain a pipe dream.

But, please no break-up sex with this lady. Though a guy would probably appreciate such a merciful send-off, this chick may actually consider sewing a penis on herself if you give her so much as another taste of your juices. So end things with a gentle hug and air kiss, but make it a double. If you want to keep your licking lady around for future escapades, you’ll want to leave things on a sweet note. You may be sick of her now, but future booty calls may go unanswered if you burn this bridge, and I think you already know how much that would suck. Oh, and the next time you need a distraction from your heartbreak, skip the muff-diving and curl up with a bottle of Wray & Nephew, a picture of Terrence Howard, and a vibrator. That shit is foolproof, and no one gets hurt.

Got a question? Email the Magic City Kitty.


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