Scott Olsen Won Last Night, Dogs and Cats Will Now Commence Living Together

Categories: Sports
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Scott Olsen

It seems as if the Marlins’ Scott Olsen hadn’t won a game since Indiana Jones was in theaters. Oh wait. Since wrestling star Hulk Hogan was garnering headlines. Nope. Uh, since Sting and The Police last had a world tour. Damn it! It’s been a long time since Scott Olsen won a game. There.

It hasn’t been his fault, mostly. Olsen has been consistently solid in just about every outing this season. But for some reason, his Marlins teammates all collectively decided to stop hitting the baseball whenever he pitched. Maybe he should’ve just stopped beating everyone at Texas Hold ‘Em on the team plane and then acting all uppity about it afterwards. Still, last night, his teammates finally delivered him some long-awaited run support and handed Olsen his first win of the season (Actually, it was his fifth win of the season. Hyperbole is fun!). The Son of Jor-El, Hanley Ramirez, went 3-4 and smacked his 22nd homer of the season while Mike Jacobs joined in on the fun with his 19th as the Fish took down the Padres 5-2.

For a second there, it seemed as if Olsen had had enough of his losing streak, as evidenced during his last start last Friday when he delivered an “Ah, fuck it!” performance against the Rockies, giving up 9 runs on 11 hits over just 5 innings, sending the Fish to an 18-17 loss. But last night, Olsen sacked up and delivered, pitching 8 strong innings, allowing four hits and just one run. And he did it all even after getting beaned in the leg by a line drive in the fourth inning. He toughed it out, went another 4 innings, and cruised along to end his 11-game losing streak. That was easy enough.

- Chris Joseph


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