How To Deflect Hurricanes

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Every year the National Hurricane Center gets a lot of crackpot suggestions for how to deflect oncoming storm systems. According to Scripps, they’ve had geniuses call in and suggest things like “setting up banks of giant fans to blow the storm back to sea.” Is that the best they can come up with?

Scientists are actually working on plans that could reduce the strength of storms, but they’re hardly entertaining. Riptide has some suggestions for scientists willing to step outside the box:

1. Make Larry Coker the coach of the actual hurricanes. They’ll go from unstoppable forces of nature to minor disturbances in a six-year span.

2. Send Sarah Palin out to the Atlantic with her moose gun. Either she’ll shoot, skin, and serve them for dinner on a table with a Jesus-and-American-flag centerpiece (Republicans will apparently eat up anything she dishes out), or they’ll be so offended by her right-wing stances they’ll hit Alaska instead.

3. Drop Rudy Crew into the middle of developing systems. All his hot air is sure to have some adverse effect on their formation.

4. Rename all storms headed to Miami “Fidel.” The collective ire of the Cuban community will force them to change course, inevitably taking a turn to the extreme left.

5. We have plenty of crack dens in town. Why not spare a few and line them up in the path of an oncoming storm. There might be a brief surge of erratic behavior, but after a bit they’ll be twitching in the Gulf Steam harassing passing wind currents for change.

-- Kyle Munzenrieder

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