In Bland TV Programming: CSI: Miami and Dancing With The Stars Return

Categories: Reality Bites
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"Yeah, mofo, I've got two pairs on. What you gonna do now? Kill me? I'm already dead. God, this show has amazing writing!"
Hot on the heels of last night's Emmys, the fall television season continues its kickoff tonight with two big premiers of shows with a shot of Miami flavor ...errr...actually both of these shows are kind of bland after six seasons each. But, if you're too slow to follow the intricate plotlines that make up Gossip Girl, or, I dunno, read a book or something, they'll make for fine ways to waste three hours.

At the end of last season Horatio Caine was shot on CSI: Miami. The new season premiers tonight at 10pm on CBS. Will he survive or will the main character die without any indication of contract disputes or behind the scene troubles? The answer is death, but he will come back as a ghost. With new ghost powers he will solve ghost crimes while dramatically taking off his ghost glasses, and the new name of the show will be CSI: Miami, but With Ghosts ...YEEEEEAHHHH! You've got to change it up. It's not like the American viewing public would be continually entertained for eight years by three shows all with the same tired premise. We aren't that dumb, we want some fucking ghosts in the mix! Boo yeah!

Wait, we are that dumb, as evidenced by the fact that Dancing With The Stars is coming back for a seventh season tonight on ABC at 8pm (the first part of a strung out three night premier). This one will include the hoofing of former Miami Hurricanes standout, NFL superstar, and cranky whiner Warren Sapp and Misty May-Treanor, the Gold Medal winning wife of Marlins catcher Matt Treanor. Strenuous local sports connections aside, if we watched, we'd totally be rooting for Cloris Leachman. Did you see her at the Bob Saget roast? If she's still frisky enough to want to bed John Stamos, I'm sure she'll be dancing circles around Sapp.

--Kyle Munzenrieder


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