The Dolphins' Ass-Kicking Prowess Has Gone International

Categories: Sports
Holy sugartits is this a magical time to be a Dolphins fan! They're just displaying all kinds of dexterity in the ass-kicking department, as they did yesterday when they flew into Canada's Rogers Centre and delivered a beatdown to the rival Buffalo Bills. The Fins defeated Buffalo 16-3 in front of a crowd of Canadians that can only be described as moderé, which in French I think means, "I am unimpressed with your game of futbol, so I shall wave my genitals in your general direction, sacrebleu!

And when our boys in aqua in orange are able to come up with a big divisional win on the same day the Jets lose, well that's just Coca-Cola with vanilla ice cream, Lucky Charms with only the marshmallows for breakfast, Jessica Simpson's tits in your face, and Christmas morning all rolled into one. It's outrageously awesome. And it's magically delicious.

Chad Pennington continues to play extremely well. His 181-yards passing and that get-the-fuck-outta-here sling to Antony Fasano in the endzone is the stuff cockpunches are made of. And what more can we say about the Black Mormon? Devone Bess has clearly emerged as The Guy since Greg Camarillo was lost for the season, as he turned in a career best 9 catches for 74 yards. He's yet to see the endzone, but you can bet your Joseph Smith lunchbox he's going to get there before the year is out.

Meanwhile, Bills quarterback J.P. Losman was able to play Houdini for a while, rushing for 53 yards and slipping out of tackles left and right. However, he was ultimately done in by two things: A.) He's J.P. Losman and B.) The ever cock-slinging ways of one Joseph Eugene Porter. Porter only recorded 2 tackles, but they were both sacks. So until the NFL figures out a way to statistically record a quarterback running for his life while a shit stain forms in his pants, Porter's gonna have to live with just 2 tackles and a forced fumble on the stat sheet. Another key to victory was the Miami defense shutting down Dolphin-killer Lee Evans. Cornerback Will Allen and his balls-of-mortar stepped forward and got the job done. Allen had the play of the game, as he intercepted a pass in the endzone that was intended for Evans. Buffalo scores the TD there, we might be out in the streets looking for stray kittens to set on fire instead of being here, taking in the feel-good vibes of another Dolphins win. But, as it is, Allen made a huge play, the Dolphins D held Buffalo to just 163 total yards and just 3 points on their way to a fourth road win and an 8-5 record.

So now the Dolphins suddenly find themselves in a manage-a-trois tie for first place in the AFC East. Best part of this is that all the pressure is really on the two "front runner" teams from the northeast. The Jets signed Brett Favre in the offseason, so they were expected to make the playoffs. The Patriots are coming off a 16-0 regular season and even without Tom Brady, still have Randy Moss and Self-Satisfied-Dick-Face Bill Bellichick, so they were expected to win the division. The Dolphins? Coming off a miserable 1-win season, in a rebuilding year, with an oft-injured Chad Pennington, a rookie head coach and a washed up Joey Porter. Not a single soul expected them to be here in December. So it's all good. They're just gonna keep doin' their thing and let the chips fall where they may, while the bad guys sweat it out. Miami wins their last three remaining games, they win the AFC East.


-- Chris Joseph

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