St. Patrick's Day In 4 Gulps Or Less

In Ireland, only the leprechauns are clocking in to work today. The banks are closed in honor of patron saint Patrick and the air is rife with the smell of pickled beef. Irish or no, east or west of the pond, St. Paddy's day is an excuse to drink until you're green in the face. And you heard it here first, in the Magic City those under 4 foot 9 are encouraged (by me) to don all verde, paint your face a ruddy red (or drink till u achieve the hue naturally) and frolic the streets babbling about "me Lucky Charms." On a regular day, our streets are flooded with alcohol and today will be no different. Okay, it'll be a bit different, because you can only order a green vodka tonic one day out of the year. Bartenders all over town will be investing in lil' bottles of green food coloring to splash into the cocktail of your choice, but since you're the kind of drunk who doesn't like to guess where to find your next grass-colored cocktail there are some solutions after the jump. Each spot is in a different neighborhood, but I'm not encouraging you to party hop. Pick a spot close to your bed. Stay there. Cab it home.

The Catalina takes al fresco to the next level by seating folks front row on Collins Avenue. Tonight, green melon ball cocktails are 5 bucks at the Maxine Lounge, Guinness drafts are $3, laughing at the juxtaposition of unruly Spring Breakers and unsuspecting middle-aged tourists: priceless. Green Geisha Special of green edamame and a green rice spicy tuna roll? 7 green dollar bills. 1732 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. 305-674-1160.

Take your ass to Brickell if you like to chase your shamrockin' booze with a tribute to Irish bands. From 6 p.m. to 5 a.m. Transit Lounge is get jiggy with it and $4 Guinness and Irish Kelley's Cider will be the culprits behind tonight's herky-jerky dance moves and tomorrow's hangover. 729 SW 1 Avenue, Miami.

You may remember one of the most ridiculous news stories to pop up in recent years. It involved a leprechaun that wasn't. The Grove has 11 that are. Eleven Leprechauns wants you to order a pitcher of lime-colored beer or an unorthodox Bloody Leprechaun followed with a baby shot of Guinness. WTF. Some of these drinks have me seeing little men in trees. Go to 3120 Commodore Plaza,  Coconut Grove. 305-443-0422.

If St. Patty's means more to you than awkward-hued beverages, indulge in the other side of the holiday - food. And not the pizza you'll scarf down just to "have something on your stomach." Coral Gables staple John Martin's is celebrating the day and their 20th anniversary with their annual street festival - the place to dig into traditional foodstuffs such as bread and butter pudding, Gaelic steak, potato soup, and corned beef. Of course there'll be more on the menu, but after a few shots of Guinness it'll all taste the same anyway. The resto is at 253 Miracle Mile, Coral Gables. 305-445-3777.