David Samson, Thy Name Is Samson

Categories: Sports
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And on the third day of the season, they ascended into heaven...
We take it all back -- all the vitriol regarding the lack of a public process for the new stadium, all the accusations of backroom deals, dirty money, and no-bid contracts. Build the Marlins whatever they want. This team is amazing. 3-0? How about 162-0? How about just by watching them on TV, I was cured of my asthma? How about just by hearing them on the radio, an 82-year-old woman was immaculately impregnated? Forget Populous. Hire Frank Gehry and Zaha Hadid to design it and the top 50 UFC fighters to build it with their bare hands. Bring in Italian stone cutters and let's make the whole thing out of solid granite. Contract Damien Hirst to build a giant marlin head out of diamonds. Tear up Augusta National for the outfield sod. Import white sand from Thailand. Make every single seat an Eames lounge chair equipped with a tap that pours Chimay Bleue. Hire Michelle Bernstein and Anthony Bourdain to run the concessions (Kobe beef hot dog, anyone?). Make the entire parking lot valet. Cover every walkway with Dade pine. Fire the current Marlins Mermaids and get Heidi Klum, Adriana Lima, Giselle B√ľndchen, Ana Beatriz-Barros, Rihanna, and Jessica Simpson to dance on dugouts made of Swarovski crystal. Fly in the Dalai Llama to bless the groundbreaking. Grind up four-leaf clovers into the cement. Hell, I personally pledge to sacrific my first-born child to Emilio Bonifacio, who is clearly the genetic hybrid of Achilles, Beowulf, and Michael Jordan.

This organization deserves it!

Or the Washington Nationals just suck. 
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