UM Offers Umbrella Escorts To Protect Students From Bird Menace

still from The Birds

I am a victim. This is my story. Last year, because their was literally no parking left anywhere on University of Miami's Coral Gables campus, I parked behind the northern dining hall. While making my way to my car, I was attacked. By a hawk. It came down on my head, scared the crap out of me, and worse, messed up my hair. Sadly, I was not the only one. These birds were allowed to attack students while the faculty sat back and did nothing.

Finally, the University of Miami is taking preventative measures to make sure no person meets this fate again. The school sent out an email to students informing them that the hawks like to return to the same set of trees every year to have their young (fascinating ornithological factoid!). Donna Shalala-ala-ala-ah-ah-ah and staff wants you to know that if students absolutely have to go near the area that they can stand under their umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. Just call up campus police and they'll send someone over. This is, of course, presumably for students that do not already have their own personal umbrella caddies.