Cat Killer Brings out Miami's Feline-Lovin' Sadists
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So on Sunday, cops arrested the alleged cat killer, a clean-cut kid who likes to blow shit up and has friends that call him "niggercake" but otherwise seems nice enough.
The exposure of Tyler Weinman has simply given a face to the impromptu "How Would the Cat Killer Be Punished in a Perfect World?" discussion raging in the comments section of every online article about the developing story. And, wow, Miamians are capable of some violent fantasies when you fuck with Fluffy. Even serial killers (of humans) don't inspire such hatred.
We've compiled below a few of the more creative punishment suggestions from Miami Herald and Riptide articles and Facebook comments, ignoring those posted by obvious racists or really scary creeps. Keep in mind these are probably written by your feline-adoring office receptionist -- you know, the nice lady with the bowl of Hershey's Kisses on her desk and clipped photos from Cat Fancy taped to her cubicle walls.
"In the old days, they would take criminals and stone them, that's what needs to be done to this sick individual!"
"Once these people or person is caught, they should receive 2 lashes of a whip for every cat they killed."
"Beat the hell out of them, take their picture and post them, and then call the cops, and if their parents come crying, give them a beating also."
"He should be sprayed down with raw meat juices and then put in a cage with the mountain cougar along with our other large feline friends."
"Tie him up, cover him in Fancy Feast, and let 300 hungry stray cats go at him."
"Keep Guantanamo open just for this guy. Hood him and waterboard him! Obama will understand."
"Why do I want to lock him in a basement with my brother Anthony?"
Somehow, that last one scares us the most. While we're cataloguing the crazies, how can we forget a Riptide poster with the signature "Previous Cat Killer," who insists feline mutilation is a boys-will-be-boys tradition akin to sticking a Ken Griffey Jr. card in the spokes of your bicycle:
What a crock. When I was a kid over 25 years ago, we used to bury cats and run their heads over with lawnmowers... or we would tie their tails together and throw them over a clothes line... or we would tie their limbs together and throw them at pit bulls.
Why can't kids be kids these days anymore. Killing cats is a rite of passage.