Dolphins Song-Off: Jimmy Buffett Crushes Hometown Rap Anthem

One week ago, a lifelong Dolphins fan named Lionel Lightbourne called out Mr. Margaritaville himself, Jimmy Buffett, and demanded an Internet duel for the soul of the aqua-and-orange nation.

via Wikimedia Commons

This man will destroy you in hand-to-hand combat.

Buffett had a new, corporate-approved anthem for the Dolphins, soullessly penned in exchange for renaming the stadium after his watered-down Budweiser-hawked beer. Lightbourne had nothing more than a family band and a dream. Let the people choose, he said, not the corporate interests.

Well, the people have spoken, Lionel. Assuming by "people" you mean "Parrotheads who found our online vote through a Jimmy Buffett fan website."

They destroyed Lightbourne's "Dol-fans 4 Life" like a drunken frat boy crushing beer cans against his forehead to the blaring jingle of "Cheeseburger in Paradise."

Here's the final tally: 72 votes for Buffett's "Phins;" four votes for "Dol-fans 4 Life;" and 11 votes for neither song or the Dolphins' original fight song, "Miami Dolphins No. 1."

We've all learned something here, Lionel: You just don't fuck with the Buffett.