Miami Dolphins at New York Jets: 10 Predictions
As with all Dolphins-Jets match-ups, we're expecting a tough, physical game. Here now are 10 predictions for Sunday's Really Big Apocalyptic Dogs & Cats Living Together End of Days Showdown, Part II:
Prediction No. 1: Dolphins rookie receiver Brian Hartline will make his presence known and, in turn, make us forget Ted Ginn Jr.
Prediction No. 2: There will be approximately 498 lead-changes.
Prediction No. 3: The refs will screw the Dolphins at least twice in this game.
Prediction No. 4: The Jets defense will again make Chad Henne look like Dan Marino, but will still call him a "second-year clown quarterback," because, well, they're insufferable sore-losery dicks.
Prediction No. 5: Jets fans will inundate the comment section here with quick-witted, insightful dialog such as: "THE DOLPHNS SUX YOU THINK YOU ACT LIKE YOU JUST WON THE SUPERBOUL BUT YER STILL IN LAST PLASE AND THE ONLY REESEN YOU WON IS BECAZ YOU HAD THE BALL LAST BUT JETS RULZ 4 EVA SO WE WILL SEE WHOZ REELEY THE BEST TEAM ON SUNDAY GESS WHO WILL WIN JETS 4 EVA THATS WHO CAUS WE DOMINATE MIAMI SUX WILDCAT IS A GIMMECK AND RICKY WILLIAMS SMOKES POT LOL J-E-S-T JETS-JETS-JETS!!1!"
Prediction No. 6: Jim Nantz and Phil Simms are doing the play-by-play, which means more unintentional homoerotic discourse during the game!
Prediction No. 7: Either Sean Smith or Vontae Davis will get an interception (if not both), sending Mark Sanchez back to the bench to find another hotdog to eat.
Prediction No. 8: The Jets will attempt and convert a sneaky play like a fake field goal or triple-end around and Rex Ryan will be so pleased with himself, he'll have that "I just ate an entire box of pancakes wrapped in sausages" look he often wears on his face a little longer than usual. But it still won't impact the outcome of the game.
Prediction No. 9: Should New York win this game, Jets fans will come out in droves like some sort of Jersey trash zombie horde and will flood all local radio talk shows and blogs with how this game was their springboard to their inevitable Super Bowl win. Book it. Sure, even if the Jets manage to pull off the win, their fans will still be the troglodytic knuckle dragging dipshit trolls that they are. Only they'll be slightly more delusional-than-usual troglodytic knuckle dragging dipshit trolls.
Prediction No. 10: The Dolphins will win this game, 30 - 24.