Miami Dolphins Preview: Avast Ye Ass Kickers!

Categories: Sports
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So, the Dolphins clearly cannot hang with the likes of the Colts, Saints, Falcons or Patriots. We get that. But this Sunday, the Fins host what is most likely the worst team in the NFL this side of Detroit - the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. And while Miami does have the better team on paper, this just feels like one of those games that end up closer than it should be, merely because the Dolphins love to fuck with its fanbase by playing beneath their level of talent. That's just how they roll.

That's why Miami has to come balls out in this game. We're talking running the shit out of the ball, blitzing the bejesus out of Bucs rookie QB Josh Freeman, taking a flame thrower to the Tampa defensive line, throwing ninja stars at the Bucs receivers, and smacking the Bucs coaching staff's asses with their own clipboards for good measure. We're talking a no-holds bared beatdown of the Pirates from Tampa. Here are the two keys to a victory heading into Sunday's matchup:

Run Ronnie & Ricky Until They Each Puke a Shoe:
Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams are arguably the best one-two dick punch of a backfield in all the NFL. The Buccaneers, meanwhile, hold the distinguished honor of being one of the worst run-defense in the league. Put it all together, and you get one pretty simple conclusion: Ronnie and Ricky need to be a two-headed wrecking ball this Sunday. Since this team is devoid of receivers who can, you know, receive and since the Bucs have gotten run through more times than Paris Hilton, you'd think this is a foregone conclusion. But don't underestimate Dolphins offensive coordinator Dan Henning's ability to try and implement the "I Think I'll Throw Some Exotic Offensive Packages Today Because I'm Just Feeling Sassy Like That" ploy. That needs to not happen. Keep it simple. Run the ball. All day. The end.

Forget bringing in Pat White. Forget trying a triple end-around flea-flicker. This team is 3-5 and staring down the barrel of a season gone tits up. Go with your strength. Run Ronnie and Ricky until they each puke a shoe. And when they've cleaned up and rinsed with Scope, run em some more.

Unleash The Wake:
Joey Porter has pretty much been a non-factor all season. He says he expects to bounce back against Tampa Bay because, well, if you can't get a tackle against Tampa Bay, maybe it's time to start considering knowing the intricate nuances of how to make milk shakes at Stone Cold. Yes, Porter will start. But the team needs to start thinking about starting sack-master Cameron Wake in his place. Wake has pretty much been an ass-wrecking machine when he's sent in to rush the quarterback. What better time to unleash Lord Humongus than this Sunday against this team with a quarterback making only his second career start? It's a scientific fact that Wake's presence alone can cause incontinence. Now that the Mannings, Breeses and Brady's of the world are behind us, it's time for this defense to feast. And it needs to start with starting Cameron Wake.

This game needs to be all about delivering a thorough and complete ass kicking and improving our record to 4-5. But mostly, delivering a complete and thorough ass kicking.

Prediction: Dolphins 38 Buccaneers 10

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