Ricky Williams and His Amazing Feats of Ass-Kickery

Categories: Sports
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First things first: Ricky Williams is now officially the Ambassador of Fucking Your Shit Up and Knocking Fools' Dicks Into the Dirt after last night's brilliant 119-yard, three-touchdown performance. Many had their doubts about the Dolphins' ability to effectively run the ball without Ronnie Brown. But Ricky silenced all the doubters with a swift roundhouse kick to their collective nards as he put the team on his back and led it to a season-salvaging 24-17 win over the Carolina Panthers.

But there's plenty of love to go around for everybody else. The Robot Chad Henne delivered a fistful of awesome.exe right into the teeth of the Panthers defense with a solid 172-yard one-touchdown performance. Davone Bess and his 63-yard game showed us all the magic and wonder that can happen when you actually catch the ball. It was also good to see Joey Porter kicking dudes' balls up into their chins again after his one-week hiatus on the island of Shit Your Ass Down. Randy Starks was also a menace, parking his party bus right on Jake Delhomme's face and registering five solo tackles. Elsewhere on defense, Cameron Wake continued to prove he's a rising star. Wake must have a steady diet of scrap metal doused in gamma rays, because he's a human wrecking ball every single time he hits the field. No doubt Delhomme's mediocre performance was caused by Wake's ass-denting presence. He didn't register any sacks, but his constant harassing of Delhomme caused a flurry of bad passes.

The Dolphins now sit at 5-5 and have themselves ten whole days to rest before they face a struggling Bills team next Sunday. And they're going to need all the rest they can get, because between all the ass-wrecking awesomeness, Miami suffered a crapload of injuries last night. Last season, the football injury gods smiled down favorably on Miami, for there wasn't a single serious injury all season. This year, however, they've served the Dolphins a large turd sandwich with all the fixings. The offensive line alone last night had pretty much everybody not named Jake Long go down with some kind of injury.

But fear not. If the 2009 Dolphins have proven anything, it's that, along with displaying an uncanny knack for battering opponents using their large ballsacks until they puke their own spleens, this team is also a resilient group. The Dolphins began the season 0-3, lost their starting quarterback, lost their veteran cornerback, lost their star running back, and have a defense that has given up 107 points in the fourth quarter alone. And yet they've crawled back to .500 and are in excellent position to make a playoff run.

The only appropriate response to all of this goodness is, of course, to get completely sloshed by downing victory shots and then go find a Patriots fan and punch him in the dick. It is Friday, after all.


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