Three Weeks Into 2010, It's Going to Be a Very Dumb Year: Behold Your Morons of the Week

You see it every new year: South Florida's morons resolve to turn over a new leaf. They promise they will keep their names and mug shots out of news articles with the phrases oddly enough or incredibly idiotic in the headlines.

But now, during the third week in January, our heroes are suffering from serious Reasonable-Behavior Fatigue. And the idiocy has begun to rage anew. In the past seven days, you could not swing an alleged cat killer without hitting a South Floridian partaking in some truly mindless behavior. To wit:

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5. Latricia Samuel, who plowed her car through a Hallandale Beach MLK Day parade, nearly hitting several cops, upon being told she couldn't park nearby.

"I have a dream that one day, all those who exhibit extremely short-sighted or deeply off-kilter behavior in the region of South Florida -- and if somebody does something really dumb, as far north as St. Petersburg -- shall be identified in a weekly blog item. And that any person who instantly accrues seven felony charges, ruins a parade in my honor, wrecks their car, and backs up traffic along I-95 for several hours, shall be judged not by the color of their skin but by the Skittle-proportioned size of their brain."

4. Bubba the Love Sponge, who declared the death of "half a million" Haitians was "a cleanse," plus some other comments that should be punishable by death-by-stoning.

We really can't think of any insults for a guy who has named himself after a jizz rag, so in that way, he wins. We'll just give him the number four position for his mediocre attempt and move on to more deserving contenders.

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"The state calls its first witness..."
3. Alleged cat killer Tyler Weinman, who wants his house arrest lifted so he can go to college.

Ah, jeez, is the pesky trial interfering with your four-year plan? Maybe you should have considered that before you allegedly eviscerated Toonces, you alleged little creep.

If the judge does let him go, Weinman might as well report to Miami Dade College with a giant neon sign reading, "County's Biggest Slimeball," protruding from the top of his head. As if getting laid as a freshman isn't hard enough already...

2. Alleged Medicare scammer Jose Luis Perez, who returned to Miami after being caught lamming it in Cancun.

How unoriginal can you get, hombre? A Medicare scam? Yawn. A fleet of allegedly ill-begotten expensive vehicles, including Benzes, BMWs, and a Lamborghini? Pass the chamomile and the sleep mask. And then you try to turn your fugitive status into a vacation, the moronic trend this class covered six weeks ago (see "Sexual Assault Fugitive Tries to Escape on a Carnival Cruise Ship").

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1. Carlos Bertonatti, douche-tastic crooner charged with DUI manslaughter after mowing down a bicyclist on Key Biscayne.

Let this be a warning to all other atrociously bad Spanglish pop singers: Tread too far onto Marc Anthony's career turf and watch your career disappear.

How could Anthony have anything to do with this accident, you ask? That is your first mistake: Never underestimate the reach and cunning of El Bonito Poderoso.

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