Comedian Chelsea Handler on Thongs, the Jersey Shore, and Why God Loves Sushi
Her latest book Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang is #1 on the New York Times bestseller list. Her other two books -- Hello, Vodka, It's Me, Chelsea and My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands -- are ranked second and third on the paperback list.
Handler is in Miami today for a book signing at Books & Books as well as two back-to-back stand-up gigs at the Fillmore Miami Beach. We recently caught up with her (no easy task. It turns out this Handler has a lot of, well, handlers) in order to ask her about vajazzling, the Jersey Shore, and why God loves sushi.
New Times: What are the first three words that pop into your head when you think of Miami?
Chelsea Handler: Thongs, men, and water. Men should never be in thongs. If they're in thongs, they should be in the water and not lying out on the beach where the rest of us have to look at them.
You're a Jersey girl. What's your take on the Jersey Shore?
Honestly, I would just like to put them somewhere else -- somewhere that's not English-speaking. They can barely speak English anyway, so they'd have trouble picking up a new language.
You love drinking and you clearly love your dog. Ever thought about getting your dog drunk?
I have! But, then, you know what? I feel like my dog's been through enough. He travels with me on this book tour. I keep on putting him on these planes, and I think he's just so over me. I almost feel like I'm abusing him. So, I don't think he'll be ready for alcohol until I get him on a set schedule.
Speaking of pets, how'd you meet your Chelsea Lately sidekick, Chuy Bravo?
I had [casting] bring me a bunch of little people to choose from, because I wanted a little person on my show. He had the best shape. I asked him what 2 x 2 was and he said 18 so I said "this guy is hired!"
What's your biggest fear?
Well, I don't like snakes.
What's your life philosophy?
To have a really good time and be very generous.
If you could go out to dinner with God, where would you take him?
Probably to Katsuya in Brentwood. It's my favorite restaurant. It's got sushi, and it's fresh, and the service is great, and I know God loves sushi. He told me once in a dream I had.
What would you ask God while out to dinner with him?
I'd ask "What's wrong with David Hasselhoff?"
Would you ever get vajazzled?
No, it seems really ridiculous. It seems like something that somebody from the cast of Jersey Shore would do.
Talking about masturbation doesn't embarrass you, so what does?
Actually, masturbation can be embarrassing. But I don't mind talking about anything just so long as it can be funny. That's why I like to write my books. I like to make sure that everybody knows that I'm the butt of all my jokes. If you're going to do a show every night where you make fun of other people, it's important to make sure that everybody knows, first and foremost, that you're very good at making fun of yourself.
Which of the E! personalities would you marry, shag, and kill?
Oh my God, I don't think I can have sex with any of the personalities on E! Maybe Sal Masekela if he got rid of those dreads. I'd kill, Chuy. Marry? No, no, I can't marry anyone on that network.
Who's your least favorite guest on Chelsea Lately?
Tila Tequila. She was just incredibly stupid. During the interview, she had absolutely nothing to say and was really just...dumb. I almost fell asleep during the interview.
You describe your dad as a gross man who dates his 20 year-old Jamaican cleaning lady, collects junky cars, and has threatened to sue you. Does he have any redeeming qualities?
He forced me to read different newspapers all the time and write current event reports about them. It made me a good reader.
If you were banished to a desert island and you could only bring three things with you, what would they be?
Chuy, grapefruit, and blueberries.
If Lonnie Love and Heather McDonald had a cage match, who do you think would win?
Lonnie would win. Lonnie would sit on her.
Is it difficult being a female comic? Especially one who's considered sexy?
I think its easier being a female comic because there's less females in the business. It's easier to stand out, especially if you're pretty. It's not a lifestyle most women are attracted to, you have to go on the road, make no money, and sleep in gross hotels. Men are just more predisposed to that.
Who's your greatest comedic inspiration?
Finish this poem: "Roses are red, violets are blue, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang is about..."
As stupid as you can get.