Dumb Spring Breakers Flock to Panama City, Smart Spring Breakers Choose Miami

​Who comes to Miami during spring break? Driving around the beach the past two weeks would suggest it's mainly dumb post-pubescent kids in furry boots and microscopic bikinis.

But maybe we're being too hard on our vacationers. The Florida Division of Alcoholic Beverages announced earlier this week it arrested nearly 1,100 underage drinkers this spring break. The surprising news, however, comes in the breakdown: 867 of them were arrested in Panama City*, while only 17 were arrested in Miami. (Fort Lauderdale yielded 25 arrests.)

What does this mean? That only responsible young adults travel to our fair beaches? As if! They're just smarter at avoiding the fuzz. Not that there's much competition: The people who go to Panama and Daytona are dumber than Michele Bachmann. One Ohio lady student told a local website that during spring break, she subsisted on "hummus, fruit, Wheat Thins, tomatoes, alcohol, and mixers." Live the dream, sweetheart!

It seems Miami has lost its reputation as America's decadent Valhalla. Alexis Lambert, spokeswoman for the division, says they don't even send that many officers to South Florida anymore because most kids don't come here. "We focus our efforts in Panama City because that is where we have found the most spring breakers." Now you know: Next time your 16-year-old cousin wants to go on a bender, send her to Miameh.

*Originally incorrectly referred to Pompano Beach; a reader caught the mistake.