Exxxotica and Sex App Shop Help You Score Porn for Your iPhone

Even when you've got a good book, bus rides can be really, really, really boring. But you know what would turn that supershitty morning-transit trek into a full-blown fiesta? Pornography.

Now, in the past, enjoying explicit sex pictures in public could be kinda tricky. But now, thanks to brand-new technology designed specifically for the connoisseur on the go, you can freely browse pornography in the presence of old people, kids, Mom and Dad, pets, priests, schoolteachers, the boss, girlfriends, boyfriends, waiters, God, and many others.

Introducing Sex App Shop for the iPhone, iPod Touch, and iPad, a free downloadable application store that beams X-rated photos and video clips straight into the very hairy palm of your hand. Launched this past December, Sex App Shop is the pet project of Maria Gara, a woman described in promotional materials as "America's sexiest magician, fire eater, snake handler, and adult model."

Here's how it works: (1) Get Sex App Shop at sexappshop.com; (2) pick your preferred vids, pics, and porn apps (Penthouse, Playboy, Vivid, VCA, Wicked Pictures, New Sensation, etc.) at 99 cents a pop; and (3) enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! And if anyone tries to sneak a peek at your pornography, just flip the iPhone sideways and it instantly looks like you're innocently reading your favorite (fake) news site, The Wall of Times.

Still not sold? Just check out the 29-second infomercial above wherein some French Canadian (or maybe Dutch?) guy blitzes through an uncomfortably jovial tour of Sex App Shop. And remember: Stay skeezy, friends. Stay skeezy.

Sex App Shop will sponsor the entertainment stage at this year's Exxxotica Miami Beach Friday, May 14, through Sunday, May 16. Miami Beach Convention Center, 1901 Convention Center Dr., Miami Beach. Tickets cost $35 to $150.