Okay Brandon Marshall, You Can Live in Miami -- But You Should Probably Invest in Broward

Categories: Culture, Sports
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Our elitist sister paper in Broward and Palm Beach, proud home of dumpy white people, pastel tones, and boredom, today declared that new Dolphin wide receiver Brandon Marshall would be better served to find a house in Miami than in Broward or Palm Beach counties -- you know, 'cause he's a "thug" and our city is a thug-friendly municipality. A taste:
First, it's all about the clubs. Let's say you're looking for a VIP room to hang with some teammates and you fear it may end in a shooting, like it did for you in 2007. Sure, we've got our fair share of clubs up here, from Monarchy to Living Room, but a limo shooting attracts attention around these parts. Club shootings in Miami? They call that Saturday night.
Okay, so they have a point. Over the last few bullet-torn decades, Miami has developed a natural apathy towards violence. A millionaire jock entourage gunfight isn't going to spark outrage at the water coolers down here. So yeah, Marshall, you might want to check out some of our many bargain-rate foreclosed mansions. Something tells us you'd fit right in at Mansion Nightclub.

But you shan't forget all together about those pasty counties up north. You're making about $10 million a season, yet word on the street is that you're broke. Sounds like you're a prime candidate for some of Broward and Palm Beach County's finest financiers. Like that country club stock genius who we heard was promising to double his investor's cash in a matter of months, or how about that lawyer-cum-philanthropist who's selling court settlements for millions in profit a pop? How could that go wrong?

Maybe you see where we're going here. Broward and Palm Beach Counties' thugs are just as gangsta as ours. It's just that up there, they drape pink sweaters over their shoulders.
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