Things aren't looking too good for our beloved Miami Heat in the playoffs. Especially after their disastrous 106-77 loss to the Celtics Tuesday
. Even an inspired performance by Dwyane Wade can't ensure a win. Yes, we'll get hometown advantage in tomorrow's game, but we think it's time for the Heat to pull out every last-ditch ploy to capture at least one win in the playoffs. We're not sure about the legality or morality of some of these, but honestly, we really don't care. This is Miami -- do we even have "laws" down here anyway?
10. Enlist some celebrity owners like, maybe, Tonya Harding.
The Dolphins have pioneered the publicity possibilities
of enlisting celebrity minority owners. Maybe the Heat can take a page from the playbook of their gridiron counterparts, but instead of using the new owners for publicity, use them strategically. We know Tonya Harding knows just what to do when up against a heavily favored opponent. Or Maybe D-Wade can put aside his feud with the Gotti brothers
. They might have some connections
, and we're sure a horse head in the Celtics' locker room could tip the scales a bit.
9. Insult Celtics fans' mothers.
Boston sports fans are a reckless, unstable brood. They're called Massholes for a reason. Though, there are two things they love more than their sports teams: beer and their mothers. Can we please offer everyone who shows up at tomorrow's game a never-ending supply of free beer until they're good and drunk enough to believe anything. Then, during a strategic moment in the game, show Photoshopped pictures on the jumbo screen of Kevin Garnett macking on each and every one of their moms.
8. Offer free chauffeur service to the Heat if they win.
Honestly, at this point, it couldn't hurt, right?
6. Let Royce Reed loose.
Before noted vagina thruster Royce Reed
was stirring up trouble on Basketball Wives,
she used to dance for the Heat, so surely she could do the team a solid. The lady, in her puppy-like simplicity, is a walking drama bomb. Just ask her baby daddy, Dwight Howard
. Simply place something shiny on a string and she'll surely follow it. So why not lead her to the Celtics' hotel the night before the next game? Then play some 2 Live Crew and let her work her magic. We're not exactly sure what will happen, but we're willing to bet some Celtics teammates might do something they'll regret for the rest of their lives. Again, ask Dwight.