Riptide Presents the All-Asshole Major League Baseball Team
|Historically speaking, he's still in the Asshole Minor Leagues.|
But where, we thought next, does he rank among baseball's historic pantheon of assholes?
Not very high up, by our determination. In fact, he didn't make our All-Asshole historic team, consisting of the most egregious racists, egomaniacs, degenerates and cheats to ever play the game. We know Ozzie Guillen is managing, so our only question remains: Who's in the owner's box, George Steinbrenner or Marge Schott?
He's widely considered the dirtiest player in the Major Leagues, the type of guy who will spike a first baseman's foot if he's in a foul mood. After taking a pitch to the groin during a Spring Training game, he put his knee hard to the nuts of the trainer who came to help him so he could feel his pain. Players around the league cheered when fellow catcher Mike Barrett socked him in the face. As a player once told GQ: "You just want to choke him. You want your pitcher to hit him in the head."
This pride of Miami did boatloads of steroids, introduced scads of teammates to his magical syringe, then ratted them all out for book profits and expected to be congratulated as a hero. He's also an accused wife beater who periodically offers to hang out with fans for a thousand dollars. The Miami-Dade County Commission recently voted to strip his name from a commemorative street.
Raffy could have just pled the fifth like Mark McGwire or pretended to not speak English like Sammy Sosa when Congress came calling about steroids, but instead he had to point his finger and vehemently deny ever using 'roids-- a lie that was soon exposed with a failed substance-abuse test. Never trust a man with a Geraldo Rivera moustache.
On the bench: Mark McGwire
The St. Louis legend was a mean, bitter gambler who was reportedly a member of the KKK. Team captain candidate?
On the bench: Roberto Alomar
Toiling in the minor leagues in 2007, Offerman attacked a pitcher with a bat. Catcher John Nathans stepped in and received a blow to the head that effectively ended his career. Three years later, he punched a Dominican League umpire, earning him the distinction of being banned from playing professional baseball in the Dominican Republic.
Charlie Hustle -- who played several positions for the Reds but, hey, we had a plethora of assholes elsewhere -- pretty much ended Indians catcher Ray Fosse's career by plowing him over in a play at the plate during an All-Star Game. He denied gambling on baseball for decades until finally admitting it in his memoir, My Prison Without Bars. Now he sells autographed balls reading "I'm sorry I bet on baseball" for $50. He is the O.J. Simpson of baseball.