LeBron James: The Decision Live-Blog

Categories: Sports
I choose memphis.jpg
      I chooose.....  Memphis.
Welcome to The Greatest Event In The History of Your Life! It's the LeBron James The Decision live-blog. Because an event this monumental must be live-blogged, even if he decides to screw the city of Miami over.

Will he stay in Cleveland? Will he go to Chicago? Will he go to New York? Will he be the final piece of the puzzle to a Super Team here in Miami? Will he save us from a post-apocalyptic future where we're ruled by damn dirty apes? The time has come to find out. Tune into ESPN, and be sure to hit your refresh button. Then, prepare yourself to go insane should he announce he's coming to play with the Heat. Or, prepare yourself for the biggest sad trombone sound of all time.


9:02: Chris Broussard insists the Heat are the team. This smells like a red herring.

9:05: You are looking live at the King! That makes me nauseous. Unless he announces he's coming to Miami. Then it's awesome. 

9:07: This LeBron special needs more Wolf Blitzer polling a confused senior citizens panel with touch screen voting controllers. 

9:10: Broussard sticking to his guns that should LeBron choose Miami, they're going to destroy everyone with their gigantic nutsacks. BELIEVE.

9:11: People are afraid there won't be enough shots to around for Wade and LeBron and Bosh on a nightly basis here in Miami. And by "shots," I mean "boobies." 

9:13: Stuart Scott just gave the tease: LeBron will choose next! 

Wade. James. Bosh. Holy shitwaffles. Tonight could be the night every Heat fan will finally know what it feels like to be a Yankee fan, except without the douchey sense of entitlement.

9:15: What are the odds LeBron comes out and Mel Gibson's this thing? "I will be going to Chicago. But you will blow me first!"

lebron mel.jpg

9:21: Jim Grey speaks with the King. Keep in mind, Heat fans, that even if LeBron turns down Miami and goes elsewhere, that we still have this exciting fact to look forward to: JERMAINE O'NEAL IS NO LONGER ON OUR TEAM! 

9:23: LeBron says he's enjoyed this process. What a dynamite guy!

9:24: Grey asks LeBron how many of his entourage know his decision. How many times has James drawn a penis on someone in his entourage's face with a Sharpie and gotten a, "Haha good one, LeBron!" afterwards? I'm betting it happens at least once a week.

9:25: LeBron says the team he chose just found out. Says the major factor in his decision is winning. That must be code for, "Shit no New York!"

9:26: Incidentally, the Knicks sent Isaiah Thomas to try and sway LeBron to go play for the Knicks. Really, New York? That's your go-to-guy for the biggest free agent prize of the century? Your desperation tastes like sugarplums! 

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9:27: Here we go... breath held... grab somebody's hand... say your prayers.... the decision in The Decision is.........: MIAMI HEAT!!!!!


9:34: This LeBron special needs more Christina Hendricks! 

9:35: The good news: LeBron is coming to Miami! The bad news: You will never attend another Heat game ever again for the rest of your life.

9:36: ESPN just showed footage of patrons in a Cleveland bar as they heard the news. If you look closely, you can see the exact moment where their souls leave their bodies.

9:38: One dude's face melted like Beloc's at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

9:44: Seeing the Miami Heat logo next to LeBron's name on ESPN is quite possibly the greatest thing mine eyes have ever beheld. And that includes the time Rachel Gomez showed me her knockers in the 7th grade.

9:58: The absolute craziest thing about all this: STEPHEN A. SMITH WAS RIGHT.

10:05: Stuart Scott says LeBron had one more special announcement to make. Got scared there for a second. Thought he was gonna say,"Just kidding! I'm going to New Jesey!"

The announcement is actually that all the proceeds from the ads are going to the Boys and Girls Club. Would've been cooler if it was, "I'm Batman!" 

10:14: Well that's it. Thanks to everyone who came by and shared in the crazy! Be sure to come here to Riptide 2.0 in the coming days and weeks to get more reaction, analysis and HOLY CRAP LeBRON JAMES IS A MEMBER OF YOUR MIAMI HEAT!!!!!

Good night Miami! May you dream dreams of Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and LeBron James riding on fire-breathing polar bears and slaying dragons with their collective man musk!



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