LeBron James' Handy Miami Primer

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"Cleveland rocks": "I'm in Miami Bitch"

Polish: Cuban

Pasty whiteness: Orange luminescence

Love handles: Liposuction

Great Lakes six pack: Cocaine eight-ball

Home invasions: Ponzi schemes

Burning river: Oil spill

East Fourth: Calle Ocho

Sokolowski's University Inn: Versailles Cafe

Pierogi: Empanada

Drew Carey: Gloria Estefan

Chicago: Havana

Empty factories: Empty condos

Crippling unemployment: Crippling unemployment

Depression: Delusion

Homers: Snowbirds

Moving to New York to succeed: Moving from New York to die

Corn hole: Bocce

Bone Thugs N' Harmony: 2 Live Crew

Jim Brown: Don Shula

"The Q": Uh, "Triple-A"?

Unconditional love with a side of unhealthy obsession: Extreme expectations with a side of apathy

Art Modell LeBron James: Fidel Castro