Top-Secret Miami?

​Little did you know, but that guy who made your extra-skinny mochachino this morning in Miami Beach might be sniping South American drug runners in his spare time. And that creepy guy in overalls down the block who moves his lawn three times a week? Straight-up CIA.

At least that's the gist of a new investigation into America's intelligence industry by the Washington Post. The report, which was more than two years in the making, describes a shadowy government world gone out of control, revealing 2,163 top-secret government locations and the nearly 7,000 private companies that assist them -- many of them in Miami.

According to the website, there are 22 top-secret government offices in the Miami area. Chief among them is SOUTHCOM, or the U.S. Southern Command center, which the Post describes as "responsible for providing contingency planning, operations, and security cooperation" for Central and South America, the Caribbean, and Cuba, as well as anti-drug efforts, counterintelligence work, and "psychological operations."

What does that mean? We're not sure, but it confirms our suspicions that the feds have hired Leonardo DiCaprio to work his way into Fidel's dreams and persuade El Comandante to appear on live television in a plaid shirt and a jumpsuit. Good to see our top-secret tax dollars are being put to good use.