Jersey Shore Damage Report: Ronnie Is The Worst Human Ever

​Sorry, folks, we weren't here to recap last week's Jersey Shore because someone literally cut the cable wire outside our house and then we got a debilitating sore throat. It was horrible. Not as horrible as actually watching this show, but still horrible.

But we're back to documenting the antics of everyone's favorite guidos this week, and, boy, it was a bombshell of an episode. The big takeaway is that Ronnie continues to be the worst person in the world.

Now sure, there are numerous people who have done worse things than RonRon, but few folks are actually worse at the art of being human. We jokingly call this guy a shaved ;gorilla, but seriously, has anyone checked to make sure his father is not actually an ape? Because his crude grasp of proper behavior, human emotions, reasoning, and self-control really call into question his claim to be fully Homo sapien. Really, this guy is no Homo.

Ever since he came to Miami, the founding president of the I'm Fucked Foundation has continued to fight with Sammie, mack on other chicks, and then climb into bed with Sammie and wake up like nothing happened. Poor Sammie. The girl is either almost as stupid as Ronnie or just blinded by love. (She needs to borrow Snookie's crystal glasses. They see everything!)

​The two broke up and made up, like, we don't know, approximately 37 times throughout the episode. They make the Lockhorns' relationship look stable. (Ha! Comic strip reference! People still read the funny pages, right? People still read newspapers, right? Oh, sorry.)

Ronnie fails to understand how relationships work, at one point telling Sammie: "I hate you so much because I love you. You realize that?" Uh...

At another point, he says he's going to say whatever is on his mind regardless of whether it makes Sammie feel good about herself. He doesn't care if she cries. But no, Ronnie, that is not how relationships work. Sometimes you need to bite your tongue for the sake of others. Sometimes you say things to make your girl feel better about herself. Jeez. (Thank you. My relationship advice radio show will replace Dr. Laura on most stations next year.)

The ceremonial placing of the vomit pot

​Finally, Ronnie gets shit-faced drunk, like horribly, horribly drunk. Sammie tends to her drunken ape and puts a vomit pot by his bed, which is both disgusting and sweet. By the time they wake up in the morning, they are back on and together again.

But that'll all soon change. JWoww and Snookie have been working on a genius plan.

ou see, Sammie is not a complete idiot. She knows Ronnie has been creeping around; she's just waiting for someone to tell her, but no one wants to tell her. Not JWoww, not Snookie, not Angelina (Angelina, by the way, is somehow sort of everyone's friend now, but I'm not sure why. Like, not best friend, but she scrambles around the house like a rat and occasionally someone drops a piece of cheese for her instead of stepping on her.)

Snookie and JWoww have decided to write Sammie an anonymous letter letting her know the details of Ronnie's indiscretions. They finally find a cyber café to sit down and write it, and let me tell you, as a writer, I find there is nothing more satisfying to finally sit down and write the words that have been mulling in my head forever. It's so cathartic.

This letter is Snookie and JWoww's literary masterpiece. It is their Moby Dick. Their Ulysses. Their Old Ron and the C-Cups. They treat it as such and write it in proper font, not pink comic sans, and use real human words such as breast instead of boobies, titties, and fun bags.

Masters at work.

​After the letter is written, Angelina tries to distance herself from it -- even though Snookie and JWoww wouldn't know about half of what happened if she didn't blab. Oh, poor simple Angelina, you're in this now. If they go down, you go down with them, silly girl. We'll find out next week when the letter -- which obviously is the most important literary treasure to rock reality TV since The Real Housewives of New Jersey's "Cop Without a Badge" -- is delivered.

Hmm, what else happened?

​Ah, Snookie has boy trouble. Her meathead boyfriend Emillio calls her to let her know he is surrounded by half-naked girls. Later, he calls to tell her: "I fucked this girl tonight. I'm sorry." It is a joke, but Snookie doesn't comprehend humor, even when it comes out of her own mouth. Later, she says, "Guys are douchebags. I hate them all. They don't know how to deal with women, and I feel that is why the lesbian rate is going up in this country."

The Damage Report:

B.E.D. continues to sully its reputation by appearing time and time again on this show. Then again, you don't survive ten years in South Beach by holding on to your dignity.

Klutch is racking up appearance too.

Big Pink makes an appearance, but it's a hot-dog joint named Big Pink. How much can it be disgraced? Plus we love that place, so who cares? Moshi Moshi and Tapas y Tintos make cameos as well, probably because the cast is easily amused by repetition of words.

Mostly, though, we think the most damaged thing in this episode was probably Ronnie's liver.