Jersey Shore Damage Report: The Guidette Letter

Categories: Reality Bites
ronnie can read question mark.jpg
via MTV
Who knew Ronnie could read?
Some people thought the second season of Jersey Shore wouldn't work because the formerly anonymous guidos had become media superstars. Others thought the move to Miami Beach would take away some of the magic. So far, that hasn't been the case. What's really dragging down the second season is that approximately 95 percent of the show thus far has been about Sammie and Ronnie's on-again, off-again romance, which was kind of fun at first, but oh my Guido God MTV, we are so sick of it now.


But we'll get to that later. Instead, let's focus on the gems from last night's episode, which basically involved Snooki being Snooki and the Situation's girl situation.

So the cast was in town during Miami Beach's Gay Pride weekend, which unfortunately for gay fans of the show did not lead to DJ Pauly D gyrating in a rainbow jock strap, but it did see Snooki and JWoww partying it up with some random gays.

To prepare for the GLBT night, JWoww decided to channel the T portion of the community by making sure her boobs looked exactly like those of a transsexual, which was awfully nice of her. With fake melons in place, the girls danced the night away with some bald lil' homos, which was adorable. Unfortunately, Snooki's boyfriend back home, Emilio, didn't think so. He didn't like that Snooki was out with any other men, which prompted Snooki to drop some real sociological talk on him:

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via MTV
"You know what gay guys do? They're not attracted to vagina; they're attracted to buttholes."

I don't think anyone has really examined the difference between homosexual and heterosexual men so succinctly and elegantly since Dr. Alfred Kinsey himself.

Maybe Snooki realizes the long-distance thing isn't working out, or maybe she's a bigger defender of gay rights than we thought, but she decides to break it off. You know it's serious when she partakes in the ancient guido ritual of picture burning. Up in flames goes Emilio's picture, and the other castmates watch, probably because they are easily amused by the sight of fire.

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via MTV
Juxtaposed with Snooki's stance for gay men was the Situation demonstrating the worst evils of straight guys.

Basically, he brings two girls home from classy nighttime establishment Klutch, but ruh-roh, he has also arranged for two other random jump-offs to meet him later. Whoops, between Mike, Pauly, and Vinnie, that's four girls for three guys.

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via MTV
Apparently, one of them is a hippopotamus. Why, exactly? We're not sure. The girl wasn't fat; she wasn't even chunky. Maybe a little baby fat here and there, but she was hardly a blubber monster.

We'd feel bad for her, but honestly, we can't feel bad for any of these girls. Like, how skanky do you have to be to go home with America's trashiest reality stars, sign a waiver to have your face appear on television, and let cameras capture it? How skanky do you have to be to let the three guys divvy you up among themselves like party favors? How skanky do you have to be to get it on with a strange guy you barely know while, in the case of Vinnie and Pauly's tricks, you're getting the Italian sausage slipped to you in a bed four feet from where your friend is doing the same thing?

Even the hippopotamus deserves little sympathy. Like, what was her deal? Was her friend like, "Hey, listen, I think I'm going to let cameras film me hook up with a guy from a reality-TV show, but I don't wanna go alone. Wanna come along?"

"Sure, sounds like a really good decision to make that won't result in any national televised embarrassment for either of us at all. You're such a good friend."

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via MTV
The hippopotamus is put to bed.
I mean, listen, I live in Miami. I know skanky shit goes down. If you don't get involved in some weird shit once in a while, they revoke your municipal citizenship. Been there, done that, but good God, those girls took it to a new level. OK, before you cry, "Sexist double standard," we know the guys were just as skanky, if not more deplorable. At least they're making money off it. The only thing these girls get out of it is shame. Even the girls on Bang Bus get a few hundred dollars.

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via MTV
Ugh, anyway, on to the painful saga of Ron and Sam. To make a long story short: JWoww and Snooki finally delivered their secret letter to Sammie that detailed all of Ronnie's past indiscretions. To no one's surprise, the couple fights, and apparently it's over. Instead of getting into the details of that boring nonsense, here is a list of things we'd rather see on the show than Ronnie and Sammi breaking up yet again:

  • JWoww boxing a kangaroo.
  • Angelina getting trapped inside a trashbag and cluelessy trying to free herself for an hour before passing out on the floor.
  • Vinnie writting a textbook for girls about how to study for dick.
  • For one episode, exchanging the reality format for a cooking show and having Mike teach us how to make meatballs.
  • Snookie riding a unicycle.
  • Snookie befriending a gang of wandering chongas.
  • Snookie screwing in light bulbs.
  • Snookie counting bottles of beer on the wall.
  • Snookie watching paint dry.
  • Snookie watching grass grow.
  • Basically anything with more Snookie.
  • DJ Pauly in a rainbow jock strap.

It seems the whole Sammie-Ronnie saga might pay off next week, because JWoww and Sammie get into a major bitch fest, but for the love of Jersey God, please let this be the last of Sammie and Ronnie fighting. We don't tune in to this show for displays of actual emotion. We tune in for the joys of one-dimensional stereotypes (and Snookie).

The Damage Report:
Tonight's escapades mainly took place in the house, so most local establishments that haven't already lost all respectability (we're looking at you, Klutch) were saved the embarrassment. What really took a hit was Miami girls' reputation.

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