It's August 24, and you've woken up sweating profusely, feeling vaguely nauseated, and recoiling in horror at the first sight of a campaign ad. The diagnosis? Primary fever! (Or it might be Cat Scratch Fever. Or dengue. But let's go with Primary Fever).
Even for Florida, this has been a primary to take psychotropic drugs in a desperate attempt to forget. Candidates have created brand new ways -- never before conceived by human beings -- to horrify voters and blow elections. They've hired rent-boy abusing ministers, invited Mike Tyson to snort mountains of coke on their yacht trips and led cult-like churches. We can't make this shit up. So instead, we've put together a top five list.
As the crop of candidates on your ballots this morning have shown us over the last couple months, here are the top five ways to completely blow an election.
5. Spend a Decade Leading A Church That's Probably A Suicide-Inducing Cult
In these uncertain economic times, voters want a firm hand to guide their state -- but not the iron-fisted grip of a messianic cult leader. Enter Lawton "Bud" Chiles, son of the popular and similarly named Democratic governor and now an independent candidate for governor. Chiles likes to talk about his work leading the International Churches of Christ's non-profit, HOPE Worldwide, which helped improve immunization rates.
Sounds fantastic, but then we looked into the church and found that former members and cult experts alike say it belongs in the ranks of Jim Jones' Peoples Church and Heaven's Gate. Floridians are nuts, but not ready to drink the Kool Aid just yet.
4. Commission a Historical Monument And Then Secretly Put Your Face On It
Rudy Moise learned that seemingly obvious lesson the hard way. Despite spending more than a million of his own bucks in the race to succeed Kendrick Meek in Congress, the latest polls have him trailing at least two other candidates. Then again, running the worst campaign ad ever created hasn't helped either.
3. Visit Cuba To Drink Mojitos And Then Lie About It
If you're running for office in Florida (or New York/New Jersey) and you'd like even a single Cuban person to vote for you, keep this one very simple rule in mind: Do not, under any circumstances, take your 145-foot pleasure yacht to the Land of Fidel to hang out for the afternoon drinking mojitos on the Malecon. Corollary: If you do accidentally do this, don't lie about it and then pretend you were actually visiting Jewish people for charity.
2. Take Mike Tyson On An Orgiastic, Druggy Float Trip Through Eastern Europe
Actually, let's go ahead and make this one a life rule. At some point you may find yourself tempted to let Mike Tyson aboard your massive luxury yacht. He's got those cool gold teeth, and you loved playing his Nintendo game back in the day. And he was so funny in the Hangover, with the Phil Collins and the tiger!
|via Octal's Flickr|But no. Do not take Tyson on your Eastern European pleasure cruise. At some point, he will return home and spill the beans about the Ukrainian strippers and the coke and the drug-fueled Amsterdam sex parties. This will not help your campaign, or your life, as Jeff Greene has learned.
1. Use Tax Dollars To Pay A Rent-Boy Sexing Hypocrite To Deny Gay People A Basic Human Right
In a race filled with despicable crimes and horrible lies, Attorney General Bill McCollum managed the extraordinary feat of making Rick Scott -- a man whose company earned the biggest fraud fine in U.S. history -- look like a pretty decent guy. How did he pull that off?
|This is what Bill McCollum sees in his nightmares.|By spending $120,000 in tax dollars to hire George Rekers, a disgusting hypocrite of a man who makes his living making up science to "prove" that gay couples shouldn't be allowed to adopt children. Or we should say "made his living" because Rekers is done after New Times busted him returning from a European sex holiday with a rent boy paid to perform the "long stroke."
Now McCollum is trailing Scott and by tomorrow should be sent packing to the retirement home for horrible political failures, where he and Jeff Greene can spend long afternoons playing canasta and cursing out Mike Tyson and Rent Boy Rekers to the nurses.