Jersey Shore Damage Report: Watermelons and Pinholes
First off, we got our first non-Sam-Ron inter-cast hookup of the season! The girls came home and got their "shalom" shots on when magical dwarf princess, Her Royal Shortness Snooki, decided she had an itch only an Italian watermelon could scratch. After a quick trip around the guys' bedrooms, she finds her way into Vinny's bed and learns he's DTS (down to snuggle, in guido talk, but really wouldn't the world be a better place if we were all DTS?). Well, she also finds his apparently impressive, um, guido-hood. Panties come off. Things happen. Snooki can only describe the surely beautiful act of lovemaking that occurred as "like putting a watermelon in a pinhole." So poetic.
So, Ron and Sam are officially broken up. We think. Who knows? They exchanged a quick peck and seemed to always be close, but we're so bored with the whole thing we couldn't care less.
Ah, what else happens?
Oh right, the tale of two blond-heads.
Yes, Mike has his hands full with blond-heads of both the non-Adam's-apple and Adam's-apple variety. The first woos him by somehow showing him how smart she is. Apparently being smart involves having your one-night-stand captured on video for the entire world to see. So off she goes to the guido pad in her little black dress, big boobs, and Silly Bandz (oh yes, she was wearing them).
"I'm not ready to perform right now. I'm like a Ferrari; I'm high maintenance," Mike declares as he makes his jump-off wait in "the smoosh room" as he eats a full meal.
He may not have been quick to jump into bed, but he was quick to get her out of the house. You know, it really must be a special feeling to do the walk of shame past the country's most shameless reality stars.
The rest of the cast thinks she's smuggling a watermelon of her own under her little black dress, and Mike does not want that in his pinhole.
What he does end up liking inside of him, though, is his housemates' cooking. Last week, Sammie promised the guys that the girls would cook Sunday dinner the next week. Sunday comes around, and Sammie suddenly decides she doesn't want to cook, leaving JWoww to do the heavy lifting. The conflict between these two is flaring up more than Snooki's vodka sauce. To add insult to injury, Sammie doesn't even eat any of JWoww's food. Which is a shame, because honest to Jersey God, it looks delicious. Especially Snooki's garlic balls.
The little vermin clearly wants to create drama, and after the crew gets home from yet another drunken night out, she tries to stir up shit by saying JWoww was talking shit about Pauly. In reality, she was merely telling her boyfriend (BTW, does anyone else notice her normally brassy voice goes up, like, five octaves when she sweet-talks him?) that Pauly got drunk. Which isn't really shit-talking. Especially considering the entire world would eventually see Pauly get drunk when it airs on television, but oh well.
JWoww knocks Sammie to the ground and clocks her in the head for good measure. Snooki tries to hold back JWoww, and Angelina subdues Sammie as the cameras cut off, which leaves us with the promise of more cat-fighting next episode.