Jersey Shore Damage Report: Watermelons and Pinholes

​Last night's Jersey Shore was full of cat fights, watermelons in pinholes, and tricky transgendered-identifying people. With the boring saga of Ronnie and Sam finally fading, and the ensuing fallout of "the guidette letter" taking center stage, it might have been the trashiest (read: best) episode since the hot mess of the cast came to the hot mess of South Beach.

First off, we got our first non-Sam-Ron inter-cast hookup of the season! The girls came home and got their "shalom" shots on when magical dwarf princess, Her Royal Shortness Snooki, decided she had an itch only an Italian watermelon could scratch. After a quick trip around the guys' bedrooms, she finds her way into Vinny's bed and learns he's DTS (down to snuggle, in guido talk, but really wouldn't the world be a better place if we were all DTS?). Well, she also finds his apparently impressive, um, guido-hood. Panties come off. Things happen. Snooki can only describe the surely beautiful act of lovemaking that occurred as "like putting a watermelon in a pinhole." So poetic.

​Snooki had no illusions that it was anything more than a drunk melon-smooshing, though, and doesn't act offended a few nights later when Vinny reconnects with the Situation's lil' sister. In fact, unlike last season, the Situation doesn't seem to care that much either. Probably because he had his own hands full with hidden watermelons of his own, but we'll get to that.

So, Ron and Sam are officially broken up. We think. Who knows? They exchanged a quick peck and seemed to always be close, but we're so bored with the whole thing we couldn't care less.

​More interesting are the continued complications of the letter Snooki and JWoww wrote chronicling Ronnie's basic horribleness. Snooki feels bad and wants to tell Sammie. Sammie herself is feeling a bit betrayed by everyone in the house. Some weird guidette things happen. I'm not even sure what, but disrespect occurs and JWoww and Sammie get into a pretty fierce verbal fight. Perhaps it's a prelude of what's to come.

Ah, what else happens?

Oh right, the tale of two blond-heads.

Yes, Mike has his hands full with blond-heads of both the non-Adam's-apple and Adam's-apple variety. The first woos him by somehow showing him how smart she is. Apparently being smart involves having your one-night-stand captured on video for the entire world to see. So off she goes to the guido pad in her little black dress, big boobs, and Silly Bandz (oh yes, she was wearing them).

"I'm not ready to perform right now. I'm like a Ferrari; I'm high maintenance," Mike declares as he makes his jump-off wait in "the smoosh room" as he eats a full meal.

He may not have been quick to jump into bed, but he was quick to get her out of the house. You know, it really must be a special feeling to do the walk of shame past the country's most shameless reality stars.

​Apparently, though, Mike isn't done with blond-heads. He spots one at Tantra. A real classy broad in full gloves and a diamond choker, the kind of gloves and choker you wear to hide man hands and an Adam's apple.

The rest of the cast thinks she's smuggling a watermelon of her own under her little black dress, and Mike does not want that in his pinhole.

What he does end up liking inside of him, though, is his housemates' cooking. Last week, Sammie promised the guys that the girls would cook Sunday dinner the next week. Sunday comes around, and Sammie suddenly decides she doesn't want to cook, leaving JWoww to do the heavy lifting. The conflict between these two is flaring up more than Snooki's vodka sauce. To add insult to injury, Sammie doesn't even eat any of JWoww's food. Which is a shame, because honest to Jersey God, it looks delicious. Especially Snooki's garlic balls.

​Sammie is so desperate for a friend that she finds a rat in a black wig and sunglasses in the corner of the house and starts talking to it like it's an actual person. She names the rat Angelina, and the rat tells her it was Snooki and JWoww who wrote the letter.

The little vermin clearly wants to create drama, and after the crew gets home from yet another drunken night out, she tries to stir up shit by saying JWoww was talking shit about Pauly. In reality, she was merely telling her boyfriend (BTW, does anyone else notice her normally brassy voice goes up, like, five octaves when she sweet-talks him?) that Pauly got drunk. Which isn't really shit-talking. Especially considering the entire world would eventually see Pauly get drunk when it airs on television, but oh well.

​Vinny decides to finally break his drama-instigator cherry and lets JWoww know what's up. Sammie gets involved, and the whole thing blows up like vodka hitting a frying pan, a watermelon exploding in a pinhole, or the Situation's libido when he spots a blond-headed girl.

JWoww knocks Sammie to the ground and clocks her in the head for good measure. Snooki tries to hold back JWoww, and Angelina subdues Sammie as the cameras cut off, which leaves us with the promise of more cat-fighting next episode.