Your Miami Dolphins 2010 Football Season Preview

Categories: Sports
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TARGET ACQUIRED!
​Are you ready for our completely meaningless and arbitrary predictions for the upcoming Dolphins season? Well this is it. The Riptide 2.0 Miami Dolphins 2010 Football Season Preview. Are you ready to get your ass blown off with some seriously capricious and utterly subjective prognosticating? Then let's do this!

Holy crapbuckets it's been an awful off-season for the Miami Dolphins. GM Jeff Ireland kicked off the festivities by asking a potential draftee if his mother was a hooker. Then fan favorite and Fins legend Jason Taylor left to join the Dark Troglodyte Side and signed with the New York Jets. Then the preseason came and left us all with a taste in our mouths that can only be described as "refried ass." Then, just a few days ago, football czar Bill Parcells decided to step down as the Chief Architect To All Our Super Bowl Hopes & Dreams to become a "consultant," which is probably codespeak for "I'm getting as far the fuck away from this train wreck as humanly possible without making it too obvious."

However, there are some positives to look at. There was the signing of Karlos Dansby, who is a legit playmaking linebacker. And there was the trade that sent Pro Bowl receiver Brandon Marshall to Miami from the Broncos (case of the preseason dropsies not withstanding) to give the Fins a real threat on offense. There was also the re-signing of Chad Pennington, so that we can have the proper backup QB as well as the perfect player to give local sports talk radio callers a reason to start unfounded ill-tempered rants about how he should start over Chad Henne.

As it is with every Dolphins season since you were conceived, there are questions entering the season. Let's take a gander at a few:

Will Chad Henne be the man? We'll say yes. The guy was pretty damn good last year, given the fact that he was thrust into the starting job after Pennington's arm turned into wet mulch after a vicious hit by a Chargers linebacker in Week 3.

Did you even watch the preseason? All he did was throw it to Anthony Fasano! Look, Henne completed 60.8% of his passes, threw a respectable 2,878 yards and 12 touchdowns, and came up big-time-titanium-balls against the Jets and Patriots. All in just his first pro season as a starter. The Robot is the best quarterback on this team. Period. And he will prove it again this year with Brandon Marshall at his disposal. Also we don't want to anger him, lest he becomes self-aware and subjugates us all as his carbon-based slaves for all eternity.

Jason Allen? Really? Sadly, yes. The face of genius Nick Saban's Epic Draft Fail is the starting corner back, taking over struggling second-year man Sean Smith's job. This is a temporary thing. It has to be! Allen is a valuable special teams player. He's very good at running down the field when we kick it to the other team. But when he's called to cover an opposing receiver, he might as well douse gasoline on himself and light a match. Same result, only more carnival sideshow-like awesome. Here's to hoping Sean Smith corrects his problems soon. Very, very soon.

Can this young defense get it done? The addition of defensive coordinator Mike Nolan was a good move. The guy loves to send out exotic blitzes that messes with offensive coordinator's heads, confuses offenses and confounds quarterbacks. Or... does... he??? But the defense is young and inexperienced. We know Cameron Wake can blow up quarterbacks in a single bound. But can he cover the run? We have no idea if rookie Koa Misi will be a playmaker or if Jared Odrick will be an impact player. We do know that once Channing Crowder is healthy enough to play, that he'll be out there jumping into piles three seconds after the play is over in no time.

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Can the Dolphins win the division? There's no reason why they can't. Except for maybe they won't. Unless they do.

What the hell? Okay, we'll say they won't. The Patriots remain the best team in the AFC East, even with their own problems. Miami starts off with a pretty rough schedule (after this week's Bills game, of course). They visit Minnesota, play the Jets, and then face the Packers in Green Bay. Then they host the Steelers just when Ben Roethlisberger gets to come back and play football (unless we luck out and he shows his penis to another unsuspecting underage girl between now and then. Odds are always good that he will.). But no worries. The Fins are going to be a scrappy bunch and be a real pain in the ass for teams this year.

So... prediction? The Dolphins will finish the season 9-7 and clinch a wild card playoff berth. Brandon Marshall will prove he was worth trading for, and the young defense will have some solid games while going through growing pains. It will be an up and down season, for sure. Unless, of course, it all goes to shit. Which is always a real possibility with this team. LET'S GO FINS!!!
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