Jersey Shore Damage Report: Launch Them Into Space
Last week, something happened to the Situation. He turned from a charming, lovable douchebag into a giant, whiny, insufferable douchebag, and this episode opens on the aftermath. Snooki is drunk and crying. Mike is still pissed and unapologetic. The only person seemingly unphased is Vinny. Mike tried to snatch his girl, Romona from Romania last week, but he gets the ultimate revenge -- he finally got to smoosh it with the respectable Romanian.
|Snooki does not want Smoosh Smooh, she wants a "Sorry."|
"He's like my big brother I love him, but usually you don't have sex with your big brother," says Snooki.
Eventually, with the help of alcohol, Snooki pulls through.
|Emotions are so much more touching when expressed by such a breathtaking face|
Club Space! It's so perfect, in retrospect, we can't believe the group wasn't there every Saturday night. If you're a non-local who's found yourself on this recap and do not know about Space, well you're lucky, but we'll explain. Space holds a unique and unquestioned place in Miami nightlife. It's far from the glitz of South Beach, in a section of downtown Miami where clubs can stay open all day with 24-hour liquor licenses. It's a gigantic. It's also been linked, though just circumstantially, to a couple high-profile crimes in the past years or so. (A model disappeared after leaving the club and wound up dead in a dumpster, a DJ and promoter who worked there killed his teenage girlfriend and drove around in his car with the body, and a musician left the club drunk and killed a bicyclist). In short, it's a wonderful place.
The kind of place that lures Miami's answer to guidos, and it's really no surprise the crew was so excited to go there. As Snooki put it, "Space means guidos, juice head gorillas, sweaty meathead boys."
|JWoww's Outfit is considered modest by Club Space standards|
The Situation gets involved and can't resist a chance to show off his dominance, so he starts yelling at the group. This ultimately leads to the cast getting bounced out of the club.
They were devastated, not unlike astronauts who had found themselves in actual space and were plummeted unceremoniously back down to Earth. Sad music played in the background, appropriately. We could feel their pain.
Though, Pauly and Mike managed to grab two girls before leaving, and it seemed like they were going to "get it in."
Mike gets super pissed and bounces her out faster than security at Space did the same to him. The girl calls him an old man, because, LOL, his face. Pauly is absolutely pissed, because it seems his girl was good to go.
Pauly is "the nice guy," but lest not forget that he's fucking around with all these girls when he's already landed a nice girl in Rocio. We almost forgot she was still around, but he meets up with her at the beach the next day with Vinny and Romona from Romania. I get that Pauly wants to take it slow with her, but does that give him license to fuck around with random skanks in the meantime? Is that the code of the guido?
|Your tax dollars at work|
Was it enough to warrant Snooki saying of one of the firemen, "Tall, tan, he looked Italian, so, I would have smooshed that, yes."
Yes, it probably was, because like most things out of the mouth of Snooki, it was priceless.
Here we'll insert a brief sentence about Sammie and Ronnie's fight: They got in a fight, it was boring, and Sammie is annoyingly insecure. Yawn.
|Victimized by Miami Beach's notorious parking syndicate. They're worse than organized crime in Jersey.|
So Vinny and Mike went in for a quick indoor tanning touch up and parked the Escalade somewhere illegally. Ten minutes later they come out and the car is gone. It's happened to the best of us (it happened to me for the first time last week, apparently when you eat at Lime do not park in the spot that says "Not Parking for Lime," that pizza place will have you towed faster than light). The then have a "Guido Amazing Race" trying to find the car. Though, lets just illuminate the journey with this map.
With their car back and tans touched up, the boys are ready to head out for another night at Tantra. Once again, Pauly pulls two more random chicks to bring back.
|Classy Canadians, eh?|
History has a funny way of repeating itself, and Mike's girl does not want to let him "get it in." In fact, she's engaged.
When this happened earlier in the episode, Mike changed the story to make it out that the girl was a grenade, when in fact she was relatively pretty but just wasn't down for taking a ride on his old man face.
This time he's even ruder and kicks the girls out. One of them says she just wants to stay for five more minutes, but he shows them the door immediately and sings himself to sleep while making jokes about "five more minutes."
It was sad really. Not sad as in the way we'll feel when the gang leaves us next week. Sad as in really pathetic.