John Henry Expected to Win Control of Liverpool FC Today in Battle of Grumpy Old American Billionaires

Categories: Upper Class
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Grumpy Old American Billionaires Fight Over Liverpool FC
John W. Henry, the egomaniac ex-Marlins owner who handed out bobble-head dolls of himself at his own wedding, will likely win control of giant soccer club Liverpool FC later today. But not without fighting off last-minute legal challenges from a pair of cranky old American businessmen first.

Either way, the iconic British soccer club looks set to remain Yankee property, which we think is just revenge for all those faux pubs popping up around Miami.

Marlins fans will remember Henry as the man who bought the team in 1999 and promised a new stadium, but ended-up using the team as a bargaining chip to buy the much more lucrative Boston Red Sox just three years later.

Although Liverpudlians are at fever pitch over the prospect of ditching current American billionaire owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett, it's not certain that Henry will be allowed to buy the team.

Like the rest of the U.S., Hicks and Gillett have wracked-up massive debt in recent years as investments went sour. Those financial troubles have left them short of cash to put back into the Liverpool team, which has fallen from the pinnacle of a European championship in 2005 to the bottom of the English Premier League this season.

But despite Hicks and Gillett dropping a Texas court order to prevent the sale, the duo could still pay off their $300 million plus debts in time to retain control of Liverpool, the sixth-largest foooootball team in the world.

As a side note, Riptide has been gently corrected on the following matters: not all Liverpool fans are hooligans, the British are not, in fact, required to eat tea and krumpets for every meal, and dentists are no longer considered witches and run out of town by jagged-tooth English townsmen.

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