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Four(01K) Loko: A New Times Guide to Gaming the Recession

Categories: Recessionomics
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Can You Say, "Retirement Fund"?
​These days, Miami is a steaming pile of ultra-high unemployment, corruption, and bullsh*t promises to "change the system" or "get rid of politics as usual."

Yet, amid this chaotic crap heap there are opportunities for turning a serious profit. But you've got to act quickly to corner the market and ride out what could be a long recession.

Here is the New Times guide to investing, Miami style.

5. Four Loko

As any amped-up UM student will tell you, Four Loko has come under attack for its krunktastic blend of caffeine, 12 percent alcohol, and pure, triple-distilled dose of freedom. Not content to tyrannically ensure that you're peanut butter doesn't contain salmonella, "big government" aka the Food and Drug Administration is now forcing Four Loko ditch the caffeine.

But where some see liberty slipping away, we smell opportunity. When we checked this morning, the corner botanica was still stocked full of Four Loko. So why not corner the market and buy up the batch before the drink loses its edge? We reckon we can sell caffeine-enriched Four Loko out of the trunk of our '92 Toyota Carolla for quite some time.

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This undocumented-immigrant-seeking-machine could net you some prison profits
​4. Prisons

With Skeletor-lookalike Rick Scott now in office, an Arizona-style immigration law isn't far off. And while that may mean arbitrary detention for any Miamian with melanin, it doesn't have to spell financial disaster for all the businesses suddenly left without their most reliable employees. Instead, invest in prisons! As the Herald's Fred Grimm reported recently, the main author and biggest beneficiary of the Arizona law was the state's private prison industry. "Let's get to work, and bring the Arizona law to Florida now,'' Scott said when running for governor. What's a little Constitution-shredding when there's so much profit at stake?

3. Thesauruses

Now that boy wonder Marco Rubio is safely ensconced in Washington D.C., we can all look forward to watching him and the rest of the Tea Party slowly realize that their promises -- much like Barack Obama's -- don't always jive with political reality. For instance, Republicans haven't even banned earmarks yet and Michelle Bachmann is already redefining them in order to preserve them for her home district.

So, shilling out a measly $10 for a book that lets you rephrase your way towards millions of dollars in funding for your constituents seems like a pretty safe investment.

2. Politicians

Now that the Supreme Court has struck down limits on the amount of moolah corporations can give to politicians, why not invest in one yourself? It's simple: find some start-up cash, start a shadowy business as a front for your true motives, and start pumping money into a 2012 campaign. Once your man/woman is elected, he/she is sure to repay you big time. Maybe you'll get lucky and they'll steer a private prison your way.

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Buy some white jerseys, make some green
1. Chris Bosh Jerseys

The Bosh Man has not had the stellar early season that some had hoped. Instead, "The Big Three" has often ended up looking more like a brick-laying competition between LeBron and D-Wade. But Bosh has started to turn things around in recent games. With Heat-hating at a fever pitch and No. 1 jerseys at a nadir, it's about time to double-down on the lanky center. Besides, if his miserable season continues, you can always give the gear away to Miami's homeless. That's a tax write-off!

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